Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Managers Responsible For Organization’s Success – 2.

Some people believe that managers are responsible for the organization’s success, while others think various features of the organization play a vital role in it. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

In today’s highly competitive world, the top ranker’s (1) business owners are secretly admiring secretly admire (prefer Simple Present Tense in this context.) the different factors of their organizations for their (2) accomplishment. No one outside of management is really aware of them so they keep different opinions about them. (This sentence does not add any value to the introduction.) While some suggest managers are accountable for company‘s success since they are involved in important duties such as planning and directing, others think other numerous factors like proper flow of communication and job satisfaction are the ones that making the make a difference. I believe both are equally important.

1. You’ve used article the. Are you referring to a particular top ranker? What do you mean by top ranker

2. In a sentence, one pronoun must refer to one noun only. Their refers to business owners. However, I’m sure, the accomplishment is of organisations, not business owners.

To start with, the most crucial thing of for an organization is realistic and time bounds blueprint of day to day work. This blueprint It (Use a pronoun to refer back to blueprint in the previous sentence.) is designed by top managers by setting realistic and measurable goals and by organizing the whole work (effort) of the organization in the direction of achievement of these goals. This pre-planning is responsible for the smooth running and great achievement of an organization. (The idea is well developed. Good job!) Along with this, they make their staff’s efforts worthy by leading them in the right direction and keeping them motivated with positive reinforcement from time to time. (How? Please explain this idea in at least one sentence.) They often publicly praise the good work of their subordinates and offer financial incentives so that the team stays motivated. Without the planning and right direction, (need a comma here. This is an introductory phrase.) it’s not even possible for a company to survive. (This sentence is unnecessary. You’ve already stated this under the first point of the above paragraph.)

Note that you have written redundant sentences in the introduction as well as body paragraph 1. Avoiding them will not only improve your score but also save time during the exam. Similarly, there are redundant words in the paragraph below (Yet …….).

Yet at the part of above, (This does not make any sense. The use of YET is incorrect.) On the other hand, some believe that a systematic flow of communication and job satisfaction are the things that every company should placed on high priority. Without the a proper channel for sending and receiving a message, it’s impossible for a manager to make their her (use a singular pronoun for a singular noun.) staff aware of their day to day duties and introduce (3) any significant changes they need to involve in their work and be aware of their staff problems. (To prevent overcomplexity, avoid connecting more than two ideas in a sentence. ) For instance, if hospital staff forget fails (avoid repeating staff) to mention that patient is HIV positive on medication (Need a comma here – 4) , staff it could place the whole staff involved in the patient‘s care on risk and cost the hospital millions of dollars for the screening and treatment of this staff. Moreover, it not even possible for the administration to solve their its employee problems without being aware of them. By solving these problems they could increase their employee job satisfaction which results in their optimum performance and maximum productivity.

3. Parallelism: Any is not parallel to any word. Let us use introduce and make it parallel to make. It is impossible for a manager to make ……X…. and introduce ……Y…….

4. If X, Y = If X happens, then Y will happen.

To wrap it up, I believe though managers are doing the significant work by setting the targets, the other factors are the ones that making make it possible to achieve these preset targets. The An (wrong article) organization could can not ignore the precise intercommunication and employee happiness to enhance its productivity.

There are a few grammar issues (parallelism, articles, and If-then structure). Try to write clearly by avoiding redundant words/ clauses and over-complex sentences. This will improve the TA score.

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