Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Managers Responsible For Organization’s Success – 3.

Some people believe that managers are responsible for the organization’s success, while others think various features of the organization play a vital role in it. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

A section of society argues (A section = singular. Use a singular verb.) that the managers contribute significantly to the successful growth (growth = success. Use any one word.) (success) of an organization. However, (Please understand the correct use of HOWEVER.) there are others who believe that it is not only the managers but (1) other factors within the organization that lead to fruitful results. In my opinion, while I agree that managers are crucial, they are not the be all and end all. The overall culture of the organization amalgamated with other factors (It is better if you mention other factors as well. Do not leave anything vague.) gives relatively better success.

1. View 1 supported in the previous sentence. Support view 2 only in the second sentence. In the third sentence, you can support both views as your opinion.

First and foremost, the vision and (2) friendly, collaborative and supportive culture of the organization plays a crucial role in its success. In other words, (3) a company with a very strong ethos (You’ve not explained culture. Strong ethos is too vague. Be specific.) flexible work schedule and friendly bosses ensures that employees do not leave the company and attrition is kept as low as possible. A recent article by TIMES suggests that the percentage of retention of the workforce is 37% higher in organizations such as Google, Wipro and Amazon. This is because the focus is on employees (How?) and the workers are cared for (How?) and valued for their skills. (This is because these companies allow employees to work from home and have free food in their offices.) (Specific writing fetches better score.) In addition to fair promotion policies and deserving pay, employees are given opportunities and chances for self -growth. (How? This is vague, again.) (In addition to fair …. pay, employees get opportunities to stay healthy by playing games such as cricket and football.) Therefore, employees do not shift jobs and have a sense of ownership.  This in turn, reflects on the organization’s success as their contribution is much higher.

2. You’ve mentioned culture in the introduction. In the body paragraphs, you need to elaborate a bit more in the IDEA STATEMENT. What is the nature of a productive vulture? It is friendly, collaborative and supportive.

3. There is no need to use connecting devices before all sentences. Explicit connectors will reduce your score in CC. Connections at some places are assumed.

You’ve written well and have developed arguments in a logical manner. However, the arguments are too general in nature. They are vague at most places. While you will score well in CC, TR score may be lower. Note that merely stating numbers and names does not make a response specific.

Not all managers are completely fair in the delegation of work in accordance with the skills of employees. (4) That is to say that some managers lack commitment and they may be partial towards their subordinates peers. (peers = those of same status.) For instance, a survey conducted by an online HR company reveals that  52% of managers tend to show partiality among members of the team.  Consequently, the climate of the organization is affected poisoned with (5) petty politics. Therefore; there is a substantial degree of disruption among workers. This may impact the growth of the organization.

4. This is a discuss both views question. That is, if the first body paragraph is about view 2 (other factors responsible for organisational success), the second paragraph must be about view 1 (managers responsible for organisational success). You’ve not done that. This will impact the TR score.

5. Certain prepositions are used with certain words. For instance: affected by, poisoned with. “Affected with” is incorrect.

In conclusion, although managers contribute to the overall development of an organization, some of them lack a sense of fairness towards employees. There are several other factors leading to the success of the organization such as a very strong employee-centric vision.

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