An increasing trend nowadays is for young adults to play computer games. Some people say this is a negative development. Discuss and give your opinion.
40 minutes, 250 words at least.
The student has made a nice attempt in developing arguments. However, the essay lacks in lexical resources. There are numerous repetitions of words such as ‘adults’. Also, words in several places are sub-optimal. They are not the most appropriate.
Cohesion is also lacking in a few places. Note that I have used ‘Despite the aforesaid negatives’ to connect BP 2 with BP 1. Use “WHILE X, Y” to connect two contrasting ideas in the introduction.
Grammar score will suffer due to the frequent use of would, could, may. These are unnecessary. You should have used the Simple Present Tense instead.