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IELTS Essay Correction: Proportion Of Older People.

In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. Does this trend have more positive or negative effects on society?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

With advancements in the healthcare health care field, the life expectancy of people is increased is increasing (has increased). The proportion of older people is gradually increasing in almost all countries. This trend has more several positive impacts on the society ranging from the benefit of extensive experience of older people to help in bringing up the grandchildren. (If you’re planning to use more, use than. Construction = more X than Y. “…… more positive impacts ……. than negative ones.”) It has some negative effects, such as a burden on the government of the a country. (Since you are referring to the opposite within the same context, you sould use HOWEVER. However, this also unnecessarily burdens the exchequer of a country.)

Undoubtedly, elder people are more experienced than younger people. They can guide society in a better way by shaping the future of children. For instance, an older teacher has more experience of any a subject such as Mathematics or English and he can guide a student better teach courses in a more effective manner than a younger teacher. (Avoid repeating guide and better. LR.) Furthermore, nowadays both parents work for earning to earn bread and butter for their family and providing provide good education and lifestyle to children. Thus, it It becomes hard for them to look after children properly. (There is no need of cohesive device thus.) Older people, such as grandparents can help them in raising children by giving time. (Better structuring: Older people such as grandparents, on the other hand, have ample free time and they can help them in raising children. Also, since the elderly have already raised children, they have sufficient experience.) They have already raised their children, so this becomes an added advantage. Consequently, more a greater proportion of these people is beneficial for society. (Avoid overuse of more.)

On the other hand, if older people are more in a society, the government has to pay pension to more (Repetition of more) (LR) people. (On the other hand, if the number of older people is high in an area, the local administration will have greater financial pressure to pay pensions.) This responsibility leads to less fewer funds (funds are countable, less is uncountable. LR.) for the other important sectors, such as education and health care. To exemplify, Japan has 27% population which is above 65 years old. This The country spends a great (large) proportion of budget in providing the pension to these people every year under the National Pension Scheme.

In conclusion, though government has to pay pension to the elderly people, they guide society with their extensive experience of many years and help in raising their grandchildren. It is the responsibility of the government to give them a pension support them financially since they have spent their whole life in contributing to the economy of the country.

You have made a good effort in developing arguments in a logical and precise manner. The essay, however, lacks in lexical resources and grammatical resources (articles, sentence structuring).

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