Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Art – Essential Subject Or Waste Of Time?

Some people think that art is an essential subject for children at school while others think it is a waste of time. Discuss both views and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. 

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Art is thought to be an important aspect of students’ education by a few people, (a few = enough; few = not many. Understand the difference.) but others believe that it is mere wastage of precious time. I think that arts are important for children and should be included in the school curriculum for various reasons.

To start with, (You’ve already started with the introduction. Unnecessary use or overuse of cohesive elements will reduce the cohesion score.) some people think that arts should be included as a subject for the following reasons. (There is no need to write this statement. Just begin writing the importance of art.) Firstly, in this competitive world, (Introductory phrase – use a comma after it. These phrases set the context of a sentence and are not a part of the main sentence. They must be separated from the main sentence.) student’s students are fully immersed in the school schedule, and find very less time for playing or conducting extracurricular activities. (for + verb + ing; to + verb + infinitive.) Therefore, (No need of this cohesive device.) art class is an excellent form of recreation and paves the way to relieve stresses from routine studies. For example, recently children are facing many psychological issues of anxiety and depression as stress has taken a toll of their life. (1) Secondly, art forms give a person an opportunity to express himself in a different way and may open up career options in the future. Not only reading and writing make an individual wise, but also if art is cherished and learnt learned, it may lead to good jobs and earnings when a child grows up. (If X, Y construction. Use comma and use a pronoun – it – to refer back to the subject.) (The idea is vague and it needs explanation. Be specific. – 2)

1. The example does not contain any reference of ART. It is weak in TR. Also note that examples need not be EXPLICIT in nature. That is, you need not mention “For example” to write an example. They can also be IMPLICIT. You can insert specific names in a sentence to create an implicit example. “When a student plays with colors in a painting class or dances Bharatnatyam and Bhangra in a dance class, she relieves the stress produced from hours of mathematics and literature classes.”

2. Secondly, art forms ……. in the future. Many children, while learning art in school, develop a passion for makeup, jewelry design, fashion, dance, and drama. They find emerging career opportunities which are more exciting and remunerative than traditional careers such as engineering.

Note that you must use cohesive devices very carefully. Think before you write them. Most authors and books use them liberally. Do not follow them. Unnecessary or wrong use will impact your score.

On the other hand, others believe that investing school hours in art will only lead to wasting waste time. Art is only one aspect of school training and some children may not like it alltogether and may be interested in sports or other hobbies of their own. Forcing them to join an art class will not be a productive allocation of time, money and energy. (Essential subject = Force students. TR.) Furthermore, many students are interested in games or other types of activities (You have just written this in the previous sentence.) and art subject carries no interest and happiness and only be taken as a burden. For instance, some school’s provide choice for extra-activities of a their choice so that they can enjoy and enhance their knowledge in the required direction. (This is not a strong example. – 3)

3. Example: For instance, compelling a soccer fan to learn singing will prove to be counterproductive since not only will he lose the opportunity to become a professional player but also he will never excel as a singer.

In conclusion, I believe that arts can be taken as a crucial subject in education system for multiple reasons and should not be treated as wasteful.

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