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IELTS Essay Correction: Business And Cultural Contact Between Countries.

SOME PEOPLE BUSINESS AND CULTURAL CONTACT BETWEEN COUNTRIES BRING MANY POSITIVE EFFECTS, OTHERS SAY IT CAUSES THE LOSS OF NATIONAL IDENTITIES. DISCUSS BOTH SIDES AND GIVE YOUR OPINION?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

In this era of globalization, the world is considered a global village as trade, tourism, art, and literature are not restricted within a country’s border. While some people believe that the increased international trading activities and cultural assimilation bring benefits such as economic growth and peace among in the world. Others , others (construction: While X, Y.think that it leads to the demise of a nation’s identity because it is detrimental to the country’s own native/ local culture and tradition. I agree with the former view.

The introduction is well structured. Good job!

Growing international business improves economy (whose economy? LR.). The inter-trading countries can take advantage of their economic strengths. (Connect the two sentences. They are very simple. Sentence Structure issue.) (Increasing cross-border trade improves the economy of all countries as they take advantage of each other’s strengths.) Vietnam can export their staple crop, rice, to Ireland and import advanced machinery from it. This benefits the Gross Domestic Product growth of each participant country. Similarly, expansion in the business globally brings enormous employment opportunities. Establishment of multinational companies throughout the world has raised employment-population ratio by 61 percent in only the last two years. (only two years – which two years? It could be 1990 to 1992.) (1) Also, (Use a cohesive device to start the third point.) cultural exchange helps to reduce anger and hatred among nations. Muslims around the world have a negative image to of the western people and this could only be resolved through cultural contact. Eventually, (An introductory phrase/ word must be separated from the main sentence through a comma.) people will find that they are all the same apart from the religion and the cultural differences and would help to maintain world peace. (Vague and unclear. Write more precisely. – 2)

1. You need not always imagine and create a fictitious example. Look around you. There are numerous examples: Similarly, expansion in the business globally brings enormous employment opportunities. Agriculture was the South East Asian people’s primary occupation during the 1980s. Now, with the presence of global giants such as McDonald’s, Google, Amazon, Reliance, the people are productively employed in the manufacturing and services industries.

2. Muslims and Westerners have suspicion about each other. If the latter has a better understanding of sharia laws (= culture) and the former respects the principles of liberty (= culture), their differences can be bridged.

On the contrary, some people are worried about the loss of culture and national identity since there is an invasion of foreign culture through media and business that influences (subject = invasion = singular) locals. Indian people were known by for their tradition of joint families where three generations stayed under one roof but, due to the influence of the western culture, they have started to reside in nuclear families (Is this due to media and international businesses? The example is incomplete. TR issue. – 3). Moreover, language being as an identity of a country is losing its importance as learning the English language is becoming a key for acquiring a job. Taiwan is on the edge of losing its name unique identity (TR) since only 2 percent of its citizens speak their native language Hoklo.

3. For instance, the Indian people were known for the tradition of joint families where three generations stayed under one roof. However, due to the onslaught of television, social media and Netflix, (= media) people prefer to spend time alone and this has given birth to nuclear families.

To conclude, in my opinion, business relations and cultural contact not only help in improving the economy but also bring harmony among nations which is essential for the peaceful survival of humans.

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