Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Try To Look Younger.

Many People try to look younger than their age. What is the reason people do this? Do you think this is a good thing or a bad thing?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

People, nowadays, intend to remain look (appear) young by using (implementing) various measures such as using cosmetic products and wearing trendy clothes. They adopt these methods as they want to look attractive for longer period and not feel outdated in the rapidly changing world. I believe it is beneficial for both an individual and society.

If people are (were) given a chance to ask for only one wish, everyone will (would) demand never-ending beauty. (1) They work wish to attain this as it not only makes them feel young but also helps to keep the interest of their partner alive. This compels them to use beauty creams, powders, make-up, etc. A recent study at the Harvard University stated that people who have a habit of staying fit and attractive, develop better love-bond with their partner as compared to those who stop caring for their looks soon after a year or two of their marriage.  

1. Here is an important lesson. If you are talking about a POSSIBILITY – you should use ‘are – will’ combination. If you’re talking about a WISH – you should use ‘were – would’ combination. “If I were the King of Brunei, I would live a happy life.” In your sentence, there is a WISH. This is not a possibility.

Moreover, people likes looking younger to cope up with the proliferation in of technology. (Weird idea. Why does anyone want to look younger to cope up with tech? Defies logic.) (Moreover, the fashion of using latest gadgets compels/ forces people to stay young.) They try high-end gadgets such as a smartwatch, not only to look young and fresh but also to get used to the trending lifestyle. People consider a person incompetent if he does not know how to use modern technological things. Once they start using these products, they develop a habit of staying young. (The idea is incomplete. You should connect it with staying YOUNG.) For instance, if a person has come for an interview in a multinational company, but he is not sure how to operate the lifts in a high rise building, it leaves a negative impression on the recruiter. She may reject the person thinking that he is resistant to learn new things. (Lost task response. Where is ‘looking younger than actual age’ in this example?) For instance, I recently purchased a modern bicycle equipped with the latest gear technology under peer pressure. Surprisingly, I soon began cycling on a daily basis and have lost ten kilos in two months. This has also improved my skin and I look much younger than before.

You’ve written a benefit at the end of BP 1. But, there is no benefit mentioned in BP 2. Lost TR.

To recapitulate, I firmly believe that it is beneficial for everyone to stay young both physically and mentally as it not only keeps you aware of the market but also keeps your loved ones inclined towards you. This adds to the healthy sustainability of mankind. (What is healthy sustainability? Sustainability of mankind seems weird.) This makes a community physically healthy, economically productive and socially strong.

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