Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Workplaces Employe Equal Number Of Men And Women.

Nowadays, some workplaces tend to employ equal numbers of men and women workers. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?  

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

As women and men have equal access to educational opportunities, some people think that they should also be employed in the same equal numbers. I completely disagree with this assertion.

The number of women and men seems unrealistic (How can the number be unrealistic? Equal employment opportunities can be.), as they have different qualities in character and physical strength. (Since men and women have different character and physical strength, they can not be employed in equal numbers.) (The next sentence does not explain the idea expressed in the previous sentence. You must explain how different occupations need different qualities. TR weak. – 1) If the employer wants to hire the same numbers of man and women, it would need enough applicants of each gender. (Do you mean there is a lack of men or women to fill roles in the market? If yes, you have not explained this point. TR weak.) In reality, most jobs are popular with one gender than the other. For example, man men normally are ambitious, determinate and courageous, so they always become leaders and entrepreneurs. While women, on the other hand, (Use only one device to express contrast – while or on the other hand.) are generous, caring and considerate, and they are likely to become nurse and housewife. Similarly, women, for instance, (This is not an example.) generally are not suitable for a physically demanding job such as mining and woodworking. Despite of gender discrimination, it is still hard to get equal numbers of both sex workers(LR mistake. Sex worker = someone who works in the sex industry.)

1. Since men and women have a different character and physical strength, they can not be employed in equal numbers. (Explain ‘character and physical strength’ in the next sentence.) While some occupations such as mining and construction need greater physical strength that only men can provide, jobs such as doctors, secretary, software engineer, and teacher require feminine qualities. For example, more than 97 percent of employees of Rio Tinto, the largest mining company in the world, are males since the job requires working in harsh conditions while more than 60 percent of Google employees are females. 

Having equal numbers of positions for females and males will also affect employees’ attitude towards work. As the (Wrong use of as and the.) If a company employs the workers by sexes gender instead of individual merit and ability, some employees may feel disgruntled (frustrated) with this unfair policy unfair. (Something can be unfair. But, you can’t feel unfair.) For instance, if men find that some women in senior positions have weaker performance than their male counterparts, they would be unsatisfied; vice versa. (This is not an example. TR. – 2) This can lead to a passive atmosphere among single gander workers (What is a single gender workers? Not specific.) and then adversely affect the productivity of a company.

2. For instance, the performance of company XYZ has suffered ever since the company introduced the policy of employing an equal number of men and women at all positions. Many men at supervisory level feel frustrated and this has reduced the output of the company by 10 percent.

There are numerous TR issues in the Body Paragraphs above. This may impact your LR score as well since you’ve not used specific words to convey your ideas. There is lack of logical flow (coherence) in BP 1. 

In conclusion, hiring the same numbers of both gender workers is unnecessary, and it can have a negative impact on a company’s productivity and profitability.

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