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IELTS Essay Correction: Equal Number Of Men And Women.

Nowadays, some workplaces tend to employ equal numbers of men and women workers. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

An increasingly large number of organizations are opening an equal number of vacancies (1) for men and women. I think this is a valuable development since it makes society equal (word repetition – equal) and inspires (subject = it) other (what do you mean by other women?) women of the nation. (I think this is a welcome development since it reduces gender inequality and motivates the underprivileged women to improve their position.)

1. Equal vacancies = vacancies that are equal in character, not necessarily in numbers.

To begin with, (You’ve already begun with the introduction.) the placement of women in every sectors such as education, medical, defence makes the society equal just by narrowing the gender gap. This encourages women to live independently and participate themselves equally (themselves is an unnecessary pronoun. You have already used women. Word repetition – equally.in the economic growth of the nation. To illustrate, it is a fact that a nation can not grow forward having men workforce while leaving women behind. (This is not an illustration.) No country can grow economically and socially without adequate economic contribution from both genders. For instance, in 1983 the United State of America had (wrong tense. Can you guess why?) reserved 20% women quota in government vacancies, (2) and, as result, now it is the most developed country in the world. Hence, this trend is the good for the egalitarian formation of society.

2. These are two independent clauses that have a separate existence. You can’t connect them using a comma. Please use a full stop or AND. (X and Y)

Moreover, the women who are working work on reputed positions such as CEO, and pilot directly motivate others throughout the world. This is because these prominent individuals they are adored by thousands of other ladies who follow their footprint to achieve success. To take an example of For example, a famous astronaut, late Kalpna Chawla, from India who has inspired young girls to pursue their study in science to join space projects. (Use additional information within the modifier. Place name before ‘famous astronaut’. It must be added in a modifier since it is additional information which is not central to the understanding of the main sentence. – 3) Furthermore, by joining companies women can support their partner financially which helps in reducing family stress. Consequently, working women are ideal to thousands and inspiring they inspire others in society. (Two independent clauses. Each independent clause must be a complete sentence. That is, it must have its own subject, verb, and object.)

3. For instance, late Kalpana Chawla, a famous India-born astronaut who worked for NASA, inspired hundreds of young Indian girls to shun household chores, pursue science, and conquer space.

In conclusion, in my opinion, hiring an equal number of women along and men by entrepreneur (what? Where does an entrepreneur come into picture?) is a positive trend that reduces the gender gap from community and builds women role models which inspires other thousands of other women. (Are there some thousands and other thousands? Wrong placement of others.)

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