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IELTS Essay Correction: Rich Becoming Richer, Poor Becoming Poorer.

In many countries, the rich are becoming richer and the poor are becoming poorer. Why is this a problem? What solutions are there to tackle this problem?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Wealth utilization (The question is not on utilization, but on the increasing income inequality. Even if the two are related, you have not developed the connection.) is an integral part of a country’s economy. Nowadays, in several countries, most part of the wealth is inclining towards the richest hands (Nowadays, in several countries, most of the wealth is concentrated in the hands of a few while the majority is losing their savings.) (Better word choice – LR.) and poorer are losing their savings. In my view, corruption and large businesses are the prominent causes of to this problem.

You have made a good attempt in developing the introduction in a succinct manner. However, there are logic and lexical resource issues.

Due to the corruption at all levels in a country, not only some powerful people such as police officers, political leaders who already have fat payscale are collecting a huge amount of illegal money but also they invest this money to their in private businesses to get more profit. (1) The poor people, on the other hand, earn barely enough to meet their daily needs and do not have any savings to invest in a business. Hence, a large section on component of money is concentrated only in the hands of a few people. (The argument is incomplete. If they are becoming rich, others must become poor for the concentration of money in a few hands. You must COMPARE as I have done above.) Furthermore, the proficient prominent businesses already have immense wealth to start a new business which again boosts up (boost includes up) their revenue. For instance, Akash Ambani who is the son of India‘s richest person, Mr. Mukesh Ambani, (need commas here. Punctuation mistake.) recently has started a cellular company called JIO with the help of his father’s investment. This helped him earn billions of dollars while most of his employees earn less than minimum wage. (Comparison to show the concentration of wealth in a few hands.) Consequently, JIO has ten figure revenue per year (Wrong use of consequently. The argument is incomplete.).

1. I like this sentence. Very specific and well structured. Now, here’s a better way to structure it. What is common in not only but also? Powerful people. Right? Let’s go:  powerful people such as police officers who earn sufficient remuneration not only collect …… but also invest …..

Note that you must compare the two sides to develop a proper argument.

I believe that the government should commend (commend = praise. LR issue.) ratify strict rules and regulations to control corruption ensure an equitable distribution of resources. As a result, the public can spend this money on their health and education purposes. (How can the government do this? State the precise measures.) It should impose higher taxes on the rich and subsidize the unprivileged citizens. For instance, the government of India uses tax collection from corporates to provide free food, education, and water to the poor. In addition to this, the state government should provide subsidy facilities to the deprived section of society for opening new businesses. Hence, (Over or unnecessary use of cohesive devices will hamper your CC score.) these concrete steps will help poorer people in earning sufficient money and it will ensure the proper distribution of wealth.

In conclusion, in my opinion, the corrupt people and large organizations are the main reasons for the destabilization of wealth. The government should take strict action against these people and provide the required loan facilities to poorer people for setting up a new businesses.

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