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IELTS Essay Correction: Unsupervised Access To Internet

With the development of social media, more and more youngsters are being allowed unsupervised access to the internet in order to meet and chat with friends which can lead to potentially dangerous situations. What solutions can you suggest to deal with this problem?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

With the proliferation of social media websites and mobile applications, the uses use of the internet among youngsters in order (redundant) to socialise with friends is gradually increasing which cause has numerous detrimental impacts on them. I believe that to cope with this situation the government should take several measures and parent should devote attention to their children.

(Excellent beginning of the paragraph. There is no connector. An implicit way of connecting the introduction with BP 1 by directly coming to the topic. Good job!) Not only should the government make people aware amount about the disastrous consequences of the extreme uses of social media in daily routine but also ratify some policies to control it’s its daily accessibility. For instance, an immensely popular mobile video game PUBG has recently restricted increased (wrong word choice. LR. Check the exact meaning of restrict.online playing time to 4 hours which reduced the average screen time of youngsters to a large extent. (The example is not clear. What is screen time? Has PUBG reduced it? How? How is this example related to social media? How is this related to meeting and chatting with friends online without any supervision? TR and coherence suffer.) Thus, if people will have limited time to use social media such as Facebook, Instagram in a day than it would will compel them to assign more attention to important tasks. (Wrong IF-THEN clause construction. IF (present tense), (future tense). There is no need to write then. A comma takes its place. GR mistake.) (Your paragraph began with GOVERNMENT. However, it is not explained in the body paragraph. TR issue.) Moreover, different campaigns should be run by the government to make people aware about of the negatives of extreme uses of social media that force people to think twice before it’s its use. (it’s = it is. its = pronoun. GR.)

Though you began really well, the idea is not thoroughly explained. There are numerous coherence, TR and GR mistakes.

Furthermore, parents should devote decent attention to their children internet’s browsing time. A recent report by the BBC has revealed that about forty percent of young children who have no parent’s parental supervision spend most of their leisure time on surfing the social media portals. This not only effect affects their academic performance but also causes of several health diseases (diseases are always related to health) such as weaken eyesight. A little attention from parent on children’s internet accessibility could save them from all of these detrimental effects which again lead to a better formation of their future.

Are these POTENTIALLY DANGEROUS SITUATIONS? Weak TR.

In conclusion, in order to mitigate social media addiction among youngsters both the government and parents should come forward, otherwise, the society will pay a heavy economic and social price.

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