Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Dangerous Sports Activities.

People doing dangerous sports activities like scuba diving and bungee jumping, they should be responsible for their own life and rescue workers should not risk their lives to save people. Do you agree or disagree?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

High adrenaline sports such as sky diving, bungee jumping, and ocean diving are always full of excitements. I agree that participants should take the responsibility of any casualty during the course, but authorities should not leave them on their own when it comes to the safety. In my view, (need a comma after an introductory phrase) rescue workers should be available during the event in a way that they could identify potential harm immediately.

Fame and interest of any game is are alive till the time a game is safe. Many people do skydiving even after knowing the danger behind that. Though many people indulge in adventure activities despite the dangers associated, they do so under the watchful guidance of a rescuer. (There is no connection between the first and the second sentences. In fact, there is no need to write the first sentence. It adds no value.) However, (Wrong cohesive device. There is no contrast with the previous sentence.) it is the responsibility of the guide to save the people them in case of an emergency. A guide’s skill and ability to perform act in the friction a fraction of seconds keep people interested and they feel secured when the rescuers are around. If rescuers would do not save a person in danger, people will not participate and the overall charm of such adventurous games will go away. (This sentence adds little value. Instead, build a connection with the question statement. Should a rescuer risk her life? While people are untrained in a sport, rescuers are professionals in handling dangerous situations. The risk to their life is far lesser than the risk to the life of a layperson.)

Second most important role a rescuer or guide plays is the that of teaching. When we do scuba diving, an experienced diver tells explains the rules of the activity and he also informs how to react in case of any a danger. His experience of years not only provides the knowledge but also supports people to improve their abilities. Since the guide or rescuer he (keep using a pronoun to refer back to rescuerhas to give the best knowledge before the game starts, they he becomes an essential part of the sport. Their presence enables people to enjoy without having any fear in mind(The last sentence is the same as the idea expressed in BP 1. Also, should they risk their life?) During the teaching process, even if he has to risk his life to demonstrate a potentially dangerous situation, he should do it since he is trained to handle these situations and this helps people learn the sport.

There is a loss of TR in both body paragraphs. Build proper context. Mark the key words before putting pen to the paper.

To conclude, I believe that rescue workers keep the spirit of high risk games alive and they are the key players, who encourage people to participate. They support the business and income from such sports and encourage the customer to come back and enjoy again. 

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