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IELTS Essay Correction: People Sleep Less Than Before.

People sleep less than before in many countries. Why do they sleep less? What effect does it have on an individual and on society?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

In plethora (Word usage: plethora is used with something. Not with countries. Countries are not a THING. LR.) a number of countries, (This is an introductory clause. It must be separated from the main sentence through a comma.) sleeping hours of individual is are (subject – hoursreducing day-by-day. There are many reasons behind this problem such as This is primarily due to modern lifestyle, busy (busy = hectic) hectic working hours and technological advancement. Due to these reasons, (introductory clause. Separate it from the main sentence.) whole society is effecting affected in the wrong way, that I will discuss in upcoming paragraphs. (Of course, you will. You are supposed to do that. No need to write this.)

The main cause (missing preposition) people sleep less (missing preposition) due to (= cause) the adaptation of modern lifestyle, which forces them to take less nap sleep (nap = short sleep, often for a few minutes.) (No need to write less nap. You’ve already written sleep lessas they want entertainment in the form of late-night parties, talks and often having road trips. (The main cause for people sleeping less is the adaptation of modern lifestyle since they want entertainment ……) Apparently, due to these factors youngsters and teenagers are not giving rest to their bodies. (Not giving rest = sleep less. Instead of repeating the same idea in different words, focus on explaining the idea.) Further, due to an increase in working hours, (need a comma) individuals are not able to take nap soundly and effectively. (EXPLAIN) Most people work for about 12 hours every day and spend 4 hours on travel. After accounting for time for family and food, they are left with less than 4 hours of sleep.

Moreover, (= another issue. No need to write both. This will reduce the cohesion score.) technological advancement is another issue because of which an individual‘s sleep has been decreased. Due to the launch of mobile apps and social nerwork sites, not only youngsters but also adults also play games online, which do not allow them of to sleep or take rest as they want to go to the next level of game.

Consequently, these all factors have an extremely harmful effect on an individual’s health. As as sleep gives rest to body and brain and helps the body to increase and preserve energy and increase metabolism. (Both should be one sentence. Sentence structuring issue.) So, public people who sleep less is are always tired owing to which there their immunity is week. Evidently, (What is the evidence? Do not use cohesive devices blindly and unnecessarily. This will negatively impact the CC score.) The whole society is affected as people are becoming stressful and unenergetic and this reduces the economic productivity and social stability of a country. as they are not able to give proper rest to their bodies because of which people are becoming dull. (As = because. You’ve stated three because. Strange sentence construction.) (How is the society affected?) There are more incidents of divorce and family breakdown and people are not able to focus on work.

To conclude, sleep of proper eight hours is a must for the human body‘s functioning, as per recent research. (Which research? You’ve not stated any research in the body paragraphs.) So, if people will sleep well, there will be better, healthy and bright society. (Wrong IF-THEN construction. IF (present tense), (future tense). There is no need to write THEN. You should use a comma instead.)

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