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IELTS Essay Correction: Art Considered Essential Part Of Cultures.

Art is considered an essential part of all cultures throughout the world. However, these days fewer and fewer people appreciate art and turn their focus to science, technology, and business.

Why do you think that is?

What could be done to encourage more people to take an interest in the arts?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Art is an integral part of all cultures globally. However, these days many people focus more on other subjects, such as science and technology, and do not appreciate arts. I believe, the primary reason for this is the availability of more job opportunities for people with business, science and technology , engineering and medical science degrees. (Do not repeat science and technology.) (1) , and schools should include arts in children’s curriculum to encourage them to take an interest in it.

1. This is a long and complicated sentence. Creating a complex sentence does not mean creating a hard-to-read sentence. Every sentence, however complex, has a purpose. You have combines TWO PURPOSES (1. primary reason; 2. solution). Do not mix them.

The main reason that people have changed their focal point from arts to other academic subjects is the greater availability of job opportunities Increasing job opportunities in modern industries have attracted students to science at the expense of art. (Note that may sentence conveys the same message. But, it is not a repetition of primary reason. Main reason …….. to other subjectsprimary reason. This will count as repetition.) Many giant techs technology giants (behemoths), such as Google and Apple, prefer employees with formal education in computer science. professional degrees in science and business. (Your context is of Google and Apple. Prefer computer science. This helps you create a stronger example.) These people are highly paid higher than those who hold art degrees. People who master in science and technology fields have a more secure future with lucrative salary packages along with other perks offered by employers. (= paid higher. Expressed in the previous sentence. This sentence does not add new value. Repetition – science and technology.) For instance, a study by Queen’s University reported that an I.T professional earns $80000 annually compared to many unemployed people with basic art skills.

Make a specific comparison to build strong arguments. After Google and Apple example, you should write something like: While a science graduate can write a computer program, construct a building or invent a new engine, which are rewarded in the market, an artist does not have a marketable product. He does not create a product that makes people’s life easier.

The most appropriate way to encourage people to take an interest in arts is to incorporate it them (Arts = plural) in children’s school curriculum.  This would ensure that every child studies it them from the early years. Moreover, schools should hold art competitions and make it mandatory for every student to participate. This will develop their interest in arts from a very early age and, as a result, children they would will start taking interest (Sounds strange. They will develop interest and they will start taking interest. Sounds illogical.) in it. (A competitive spirit in arts will encourage them to gain proficiency in music, dance, drama, or painting.) For example, a similar (Similar to what?) initiative in Germany, in the year 2010, resulted in children studying arts from early years and when they grew up they took up art as a profession. (Please be specific. Which art?) (For example, since 2001 Germany has implemented the concept of teaching painting to children in grade 2. These children later become professional painters whose work is sold in various western art markets such as New York and London.)

In conclusion, people are shifting their focus from art to science and technology because of better employment opportunities and t. They (These sentences have different purposes. Better keep them separate.) should be encouraged to appreciate arts from formative years by including it them a compulsory part of school’s syllabus.

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