Children in some parts of the world have less responsibility compared to children in the past. Some people think this is a positive change, however, others think of it as a negative change. What do you think?
40 minutes, 250 words at least.
In today’s modern
and highly influential (the word influential does not suit this context) society, children have more freedom to live and enjoy their live lives on their terms and conditions. In my opinion, it affects society in a positive way by giving youngsters rights the right (it is one right, not a group of rights) to choose their own (1) career journey and their sexual preferences. (Let us end the sentence here. It is too complicated.) and It also impacts in a negative way by making them to lose the right desired path. (This is too vague. Write more specifically. What is the right desired path? Is it different from career journey?)
1. This is a tautology. You’ve used two words that express the same meaning.
With changing society, parents are accepting the
facts fact (It is one fact only) that it is more important for their (one pronoun should refer to one noun only. The first their refers to parents, the second their refers to children. GR score will suffer.) children to decide their own (tautology) profession. (2) It is vital for children to have a lesser burden of household chores (= responsibilities) so that they have time to make the right career choice. This career freedom is giving them a chance to grow tremendously in their chosen field, which is economically beneficial for both for them as well as society the society and its children. (Keep using the pronoun them to refer to children.) Along with this, youngsters can openly express their true sexual orientation and personalities without any fear of social acceptance. (The fear is not of acceptance but of repression.) This positive development brings prosperity and peace in a society and, happiness and emotional stability in its citizens. (Okay, but how is this related to fewer responsibilities?)
2. Okay, how is the above paragraph related to RESPONSIBILITIES? Do fewer responsibilities lead to right career choices? How? The connection is weak. TR score suffers. The arguments are not properly developed.
On the other hand, children are
still in the stage of development of an adequate sense of right and wrong. Some manipulative and wrong psychology malicious people take advantage of their vulnerability and , contaminate their brain with discrimination, caste and religion religious differences and , involve them in antisocial activities. (Due to the overuse of and, this sentence is too complicated. Let us reduce its use.) (How is this related to fewer responsibilities?) For instance, the Indian National Crime Branch report revealed that in 2017 more than 20 percent of individuals under responsible age (What is a responsible age? Too vague. Be specific.) were involved in criminal activity. (Is this because of fewer responsibilities? TR score suffers.) According to a report, a Muslim antisocial gang was misleading them (whom? This is a report. This is different from the idea sentences. You can’t pick a subject from the idea sentences. Be specific.) the local minority groups in North India through a face book page. (The example is weakly developed.)
In conclusion, I believe freedom is giving youngsters numerous opportunities to experience, develop and adapt their life according to their
own (tautology) choices. Parental guidance, supervision, and ethical and moral teachings can protect their (pronoun mistake. The former their refers to children. The latter refers to parents.) children from the influence of bad people.