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IELTS Essay Correction: Companies Sponsor Sports To Advertise.

Some companies sponsor sports as a way to advertise themselves. Some people think it is good, while others think there are disadvantages to this. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Sports is are widely seen in all areas of the world. Therefore, (THEREFORE is used to conclude an argument. You have not developed an argument. There are alternative ways to connect ideas – 1) many organizations advertise their products by sponsoring several sports activities. While some people think that the this trend promotes sports among individuals and saves the nation’s wealth from organizing such sports (Overuse of the word sports) these events, other criticize this since it develops a thirst among people to buy the advertised products.

1. Since sports are widely seen in all parts of the world, many organizations advertise their products by sponsoring them. 

When entrepreneurs companies (entrepreneurs is not the same as companies. Wrong choice. LR.) organize sports events throughout the nation (You’re not talking about a specific nation. Wrong use of article the.), they often provide several prizes to athletes such as a huge amount of cash, luxury cars, lavish apartments. This not only gives a boost to the image of boosts sports in public‘s eyes but also develops a desire in them (them does not refer to any noun.) to participate in such events and I agree. To take an example of For example, the Indian Premier League which is sponsored by several private authorities organizations (authorities is not the most appropriate word.) has encouraged youngsters to be a stat part of their its cricket team. Moreover, the job of promoting sports around the nation (which nation? The indicates specificity.) is already done by these sponsors to some extent, h . Hence, the (article mistake) governments save money from many campaigns that promote sports and invest in other domains like education, health, space research.

On the other hand, it is often argued that (redundant words. Do not add any value to the sentence. Also, avoid repeating often.) the sponsors often devote most of their attention on promoting advertising (avoid repeating promotingproducts than promotion of promoting sports that (THAT seems to indicate that PROMOTING SPORTS adversely impacts youngsters. This is incorrect.) and this adversely influences the vulnerable minds of people. As a result, a huge amount of money are is (a huge amount of money = singular) spent by individuals on these products. In addition to this, many people start the consumption of food products like whey protein which are advertised on sports events like whey protein, weight gainers (place LIKE next to the word it exemplifies. Here it gives examples of food products and not sports.) without any expert suggestion that and this deteriorates consumer’s health. Thus, it makes society materialistic.

In conclusion, I believe that sports events which are sponsored by organisation have more advantages than disadvantages since it promotes they promote (use pronoun they to refer back to eventssports among people than the disadvantaged it might offer to society(More X than Y since Z)

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