Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Follow Older People Or Challange Them.

Should people follow older people’s examples or it is good to challenge their opinions and thoughts? Discuss both views and give your opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

It is debatable whether to adhere (1) to examples of senior citizens or to challenge their viewpoint. I believe it is good to do the latter because they have set certain stereotypes which are unjustifiable.

1. Do not use words that you do not understand. You can’t adhere to examples. You can adhere to a piece of advice. Adhere = obey.

Admittedly, (2) people belonging to the older generation have a greater and better experience of life and have set examples that one can learn from. For example, my grandparents, despite being financially unsound in the initial years of their parenthood(“Despite ……… parenthood” is a modifier. It is not a part of the main sentence. Keep it within commas.) provided their children with quality education, which, at that time, (WHICH should be kept outside the modifier. It is a part of the main sentence.) only the rich could afford for their children. And they did so by sacrificing over their monetary basic needs. (Needs are never monetary.) This sets an example of sacrifice and is something which can inspire people youngsters striving to do the same for their offsprings.

2. Admittedly = I believe this to be true. That is, you believe that older people have better experiences in life. But, in the introduction, your opinion = It is better to challenge the senior citizens. This is a contrast. Again, do not use a word that you can’t use appropriately.

The arguments are well developed. But, you must use certain words appropriately to score better.

On the other hand, the old generation, on behalf of their school of thought (School of thought seems weird.), (This is another modifier. Keep it within two commas.) have set some stereotypes (You can’t have stereotypes on behalf of someone.Wrong word choice.) which are questionable. For instance, a recent survey conducted by Yale university unveiled that 79 percent people from the old generation still object the financial independence of females, as per them, . As per them, unlike men, married women should not go out to work alike men since their job is to look after family and children. (Numerous sentence structuring issues.) This ideology seems unfair in context with of the freedom and independence of women and needs to be challenged.

There are numerous sentence structuring issues in both body paragraphs primarily due to punctuation problem.

In conclusion, one can learn a sense of sacrifice and compromise from examples of old individuals; (This is not your opinion in the introduction.) however, their perception about working women should be challenged. In my opinion, this thought needs to be addressed in first place because it causes conflict in the society by promoting gender discrimination.

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