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IELTS Essay Correction: Animal Species Becoming Endangered.

With deforestation, urban development and illegal hunting, many animal species are becoming endangered as they lose their habitat and some are threatened to the point of extinction. Do you think it is important to protect animals? What measures can be taken to deal with this problem?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

A large number of animal species are threatened with extinction mainly as a result of human activities such as deforestation, cities’ expansion of cities and animal poaching. (Parallelism – deforestation, expansion, and animal are nouns. Poaching is a verb.) In my opinion, it is imperative to protect animals because of the human survival (The idea seems incomplete. … it is imperative to protect animals because they are necessary for the survival of humans.) and it can be solved (What can be solved? Wrong use of IT. – 1) this can be achieved by banning illegal hunting and encouraging people to stop cutting down trees.

1. Note that you have used IT twice in this sentence. While the former is a SUBJECT, the latter refers to something. Do not use a pronoun for two different purposes. Moreover, you’ve used solved. You’ve not mentioned any problem that needs to be solved. You’ve just mentioned the imperativeness to protect animals.

I believe that the preservation of animals and plants (the question includes deforestationis important for the survival of humanity. Protecting animals them ensures that the ecosystem is healthy and such ecosystem it protects humans from various diseases and disasters. (How? Can you explain in one simple sentence? For instance, forests are the lungs that absorb the pollution emitted by cars. If these forests are destroyed, we will have to inhale poisonous and cancerous air and this will threaten the existence of homo Sapiens.) Failing to protect them constitutes a major environmental disaster in itself as it reduces the biodiversity of our planet. Moreover, it also causes a loss of millions of dollars of revenue lost by for the tourism industry. For example, The Dubai Safari park is one of the most prominent tourist hot spots in Dubai and attracts 40 percent of the international tourists(I can’t see the preservation of species in this example.) For example, the Dubai Safari Park, which has virgin forests and rich wildlife, (use a modifier – adjective clause – to mention about species. Builds context.) attracts millions of tourists every year and it is a major source of livelihood for the local people.

There are number of steps that can be taken to protect animals. Firstly, the hunting of rare species must be banned and an international agency ought to be set up to stop the trade in products made from rare these species. This step will prove vital in the protection of illegal trade of tiger skin and elephant ivory from Nepal to China, for instance. (Build a proper argument with specific details.) Secondly, to stop or reduce prevent further deforestation, it is essential that timber is taken from renewable sources and local population should be encouraged to make a living by harvesting natural crops that grow in forests rather than burning them down in order to grow cash crops, such as coffee. (Oops! You’ve clubbed two ideas in one sentence. Keep them separate. This will help the examiner comprehend your message clearly. Moreover, you need to explain each idea in at least one sentence. It is better to think fewer ideas and elaborate them properly.)

Secondly, to prevent further deforestation, it is essential to use timber from renewable sources only. The Indian government, for example, has made it mandatory for all timber traders to cut trees from commercial plantations only. This has proved instrumental in the preservation of jungles in the Himalayas.

Your arguments are neither specific nor well-developed. There is also a loss of TR in the example in BP 1. This will cost you dearly.

In conclusion, I opine that animals are of paramount importance for our survival and to maintain a healthy ecosystem. By preventing the destruction of natural habitats (missing words send a wrong message) such as forests, and stopping illegal hunting, an environmental disaster could be averted.

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