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IELTS Essay Correction: Changing Employment Options.

Nowadays employment options are changing and employees cannot rely on having the same job and working conditions throughout their life. What are some possible causes? Suggest some ways to plan for the future under these circumstances.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

In a rapidly changing society, various organizations have been implementing various numerous (avoid repeating variousnecessary changes to promote innovation, creativity, and optimum performance (1) of their employees. (There is a weak connection between the first and the second sentence. How are they related? Let us promote cohesion by using pronouns and referencing devices. They (refers to organizations) achieve this goal (a reference to innovation etc.) through technological advancements, globalization of commerce and women empowerment.) Some changes in the organizations such as technological advancement, globalization of commerce, and women empowerment have changed the entire scenario of their working environment. 

1. The word promote is common for innovation, creativity, and optimum performance. However, you can’t promote OPTIMUM. You can promote performance.

The up-gradation of technology in a the field of employment is highly beneficial for the whole working (unnecessary word) organization. Nowadays, mostly organizations are using the electronic tools such as computer softwares for analyzing, synthesizing, evaluating, and disseminating information which enhances (The subject is singular – using.) the quality and accuracy of data and communication that leads to better outcomes. (Missing context – job and work conditions. The employees need to continuously upgrade themselves to adjust to such evolving work conditions.) Secondly, the globalization increases the diversity in a workplace. These days, workers have to deal with customers and co-workers from different cultural backgrounds on a daily basis in comparison to past working environments which lacked diversity lacks the diversity in them (Wrong tense. Use past tense. Also, there is no need of using them.). (So? Should they change jobs or adjust to new work conditions? Missing context. They need to learn to adjust to new co-workers every few years. For instance, as a software engineer in Microsoft, I have worked with Europeans, Americans, and Asians and I will soon join the company’s Africa office. Such changing work conditions are the new normal.) Along with this, due to women empowerment and gender equality, women are extending their roles in the previous male dominant jobs such as science, police, and army. (Do not jump to the third point as long as you’ve not explained the first two sufficiently.)

The above paragraph is weak in TR. If the arguments are not properly developed, you are likely to lose bands in other assessment areas as well.

Employees should implement some changes in their behaviour to better deal with these situations. They need to make a commitment to the ongoing learning process for professional development and enhancement of skills to cope with fast-growing technology. For instance, while computer engineers need to learn data science and artificial intelligence, automobile engineers and doctors should embrace robots to execute complex tasks. (Develop a clear, precise explanation of your idea.) Furthermore, they are required to do some background research and client analysis to provide the an excellent client (word repetition client. No need to write here.) service to clients of different backgrounds. (The idea is vague. Please explain it clearly.) Also, male employees should acknowledge and validate the female co-worker’s opinions and viewpoints in important decisions to make them feel equal equally.

In conclusion, I believe without the above changes no company can survive in today’s competitive world. Instead of resisting these changes, employees better welcome them by continuing education, respecting other cultures, and valuing their female colleague’s efforts. (Parallelism – continuing, respecting, valuing.)

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1 reply »

  1. your correction is the best among corrections that I have ever seen. And I want to know how can I get your correction, I have sent an email to you, so can I get your feedback And I want to know whether you just pick up essay randomly in your email boxes or not.

    Like

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