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IELTS Essay Correction: Money Promotes Happiness.

Many people think that money promotes happiness. What importance does money have regarding happiness? Give your answer with relevant examples.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Money has become a precious commodity. (Money is not a commodity. It can be used to purchase commodities.) According to some, money plays a vital role in happiness as it is used to purchase commodities. (combine sentence 1 and 2.) In my opinion, money is imperative to experience joy since various amenities which provide us immense pleasure have a cost and formation of a contented family (This seems too vague.) depends on money.

Entertainment is very necessary to live a happy life. Various entertaining resources sources like cinemas, adventures games, club parties which offer us immense happiness are very expensive in this modern era. In order to experience them these all, we need a sufficient amount of money. For example, watching a movie in the theatre with family and children makes us happy and enhances family bonding which leads to a contented family. Consequently, If people do not have money, they can not get happiness which are is offered by these entraining amenities.

Though you’ve developed the arguments well, there is scope to build a better example. Let us add a few details to make it more precise. For example, watching a movie with family and friends in PVR cinemas in India costs about 2000 Indian Rupees. Though this experience brings happiness as people enjoy each other’s company, it is an expensive proposition.

A person can only be internally happy, when all her surroundings are happy like her children, siblings and parents are happy. Having a huge money With adequate money, (Let us stick to one subject. In the previous sentence it is A person. In this sentence it is WE. Use either of them and stick to it throughout the paragraph.) we can buy a lavish home for our family, luxury car for travelling, health programs to live a health life and expensive education for our children send our children to the reputed school for better education. (Parallelism issue. lavish home, luxury car, health programs are not parallel to send our children. Let us change it to expensive education.These all will provide happiness to our family members along with us and will help to create a well contented family which is the dream of every one. Hence, money is required in the formation of happy family.

In conclusion, money is really important to enjoy happiness since entertaining stuff and other things which make us happy have a market value that can only be purchased by with money. (Wrong preposition. Money is not purchasing anything. We are using money to purchase things.)

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