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IELTS Essay Correction: Accept A Bad Situation Or Improve It.

Some people believe that it is best to accept a bad situation, such as an unsatisfactory job or shortage  of money. Other argue that it is better to try and improve such situations. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Answer:

In the contemporary era, there is a heated argument over the issue whether the acceptance of the unsatisfactory conditions is good idea or trying for improving to improve (trying + to + infinitive verb. trying + for + noun.) the situation would be beneficial. A lion’s share of the social favours it, where as the rest go averse it. (This sentence does not add anything new. You’ve expressed both views in the previous sentence. This sentence is redundant and will impact your LR and TR scores.) This essay will discuss both the argues and draw a conclusion. (Of course, it will do this. That’s the question. Instead, you should mention the reasons supporting both views and state your opinion clearly.)

A convincing argument (Convincing arguments) can be made that accepting the worst circumstances, like an unhappy job or suffering from poverty, would always teaches an adjustment in the life. To elaborate further, (It is understood that the second sentence is an elaboration of the first sentence. There is no need to state this.) people believe that being in such situations would gives person a good strength, which could helps to fight with various ups and downs in life. (Do not write in possibilities – would, could. Write in certainty – Simple Present Tense.) Therefore, it is entirely beneficial to adapt the less satisfactory conditions and learn the ability to fight with them. This sentence is a mere repetition of the first sentence. It does not add new value/ content. It is better to give an example here. For instance, I have been working for 12 hours every day for Google, the technology giant, for the past five years. Though the job is burdensome, I have learned three languages and I am planning to start my own business.

On the other side, one stack (you can stack books, not people.) of people assert that it would be more effective to overcome the uncomfortable conditions. However, people have been struggling to survive in the current unsuitable circumstances, yet they do not prefer trying for the betterment. (I didn’t understand this sentence. It does not explain the previous sentence. You should explain “Why overcoming unpleasant situations is good”.) In contrast, the improvement would be the main priority for people, who have not been in the satisfactory lifestyle. (This is the same as the first sentence. Does not add new value.) Moreover, utilising the time and developing some techniques to enhance the situations would be more advantageous. (How?)

You must EXPLAIN your ideas in a specific manner. Do not beat around the bush. Be specific and precise. If a person refuses to change the unpleasant situations and continues to bear it, she may suffer from poor health. For instance, many employees in the sales and marketing sector take immense pressure to increase revenues. This results in the highest incidence of heart ailments among these employees. Reducing the work pressure proves beneficial for the employees as well as employers as this promotes the former’s health while improving their work productivity.

To recapitulate, I would conclude that although, (no comma) people argue over whether to adjust with bad situations or to find some other way to improve them. (Wrong use of ALTHOUGH. Correct construction = Although X, Y. Y is missing.) In my personal (tautology – 1) opinion, however (There is nothing that expresses contrast with the previous sentence.) trying for the best is a good approach, but to be in such conditions where people have to adjust, would give more learning and experience of the life.

1. Tautology refers to the use of two words to express one meaning. MY = PERSONAL. Do not use them together. This impacts GR score.

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6 replies »

  1. Hi Sartaj,

    Isn’t discuss both views question ask what is others view? Aren’t we expected to use language expressing others view?
    for example,
    BP1: “On the one hand, those who advocate for accepting the worst circumstances believe that……” and goes on why do they believe.
    BP2:”On the flip side, in my view and many people believe that….”

    Your response is appreciated.
    Thank you
    Guramritpal Singh.

    Like

  2. Hi Sartaj,

    Isn’t discuss both views question ask what is others view? Aren’t we expected to use language expressing others view?
    for example,
    BP1: “On the one hand, those who advocate for accepting the worst circumstances believe that……” and goes on why do they believe.
    BP2:”On the flip side, in my view and many people believe that….”

    Your response is appreciated.
    Thank you
    Guramritpal Singh.

    Like

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