Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: More Freedom To Kids Than In The Past.

Parents nowadays give more freedom to their kids as compared with the past. Is this a positive development or negative?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Societies are bound to change with time. Today, parents tend to spare (can’t spare liberty. You can spare time.) give more liberty to their offsprings than they did in the past. I consider this trend as a negative development due to the detrimental effects that it is going to bring brings on the individuals and parents. (You can choose to be a bit more specific. Detrimental effects = negative development. It is not specific. Let us link this to mobile phones in the next paragraph.)

I consider this trend as a negative development since the freedom to use smartphones leads to adverse consequences.

Whereas the use of the mobile phone was controlled to a certain extent earlier, in many cases, those restrictions are uplifted these days. The uncontrolled access to the phone this device endangers children’s life by creating a vacuum which can be used by predators to perpetuate their evil deeds in many cases. (You’ve written many cases earlier. Avoid repeating it.) A case study concluded that there was a clear link between uncontrolled (overuse of control in this paragraph) unfettered (unlimited) mobile usage and the number of teenagers who died while playing Blue whale, a deadly game. If parents continue giving their children unrestricted freedom to play around with smartphones, they will likely to get harm themselves.

Furthermore, while, in the past, parents used logical consequences steps such as taking back a privilege from children (redundant words. children is incorrect.) if a child exhibited bad behavior in the past, (1) they are not consistent anymore with this method now. (ARE = NOW.) Parents who are inconsistent in enforcing consequences (These words are repetitions. Plus, they do not make any sense. The second sentence is meant to explain the idea stated in the first sentence. Here, you need to explain ‘not consistent anymore’. What do you mean by that?) (Parents who fail to enforce discipline and give unnecessary freedom ……..) may end up dealing with troubles that a child is going to bring onto them such as behavior problems which they develop if proper the consequences methods are not used(This does not make any sense. This is too complex to understand. What do you mean by troubles, behaviour problems, consequences menthods?) Parents who fail to enforce discipline and give unnecessary freedom may face their children’s behavioral issues such as indulgence in drugs and violence. These are often a result of freedom to watch television and play video games which were limited in the past. For example, a recent study has proved that children who play PUBG are likely to act aggressively and those who watch television without parental control indulge in sex and drugs. Parents were more careful about these activities in the past.

1. Note that bad behaviour is not in the past. The entire sentence refers to events in the past. Place in the past correctly.

In conclusion, allowing more freedom to children is likely to bring trouble to themselves and to parents who might find themselves at the odds with them. The harmful impact that this trend brings make it a negative development.

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