Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Playing Computer Games Instead Of Sports.

Nowadays many children are playing computer games instead of doing sports activities. Why is it happening? Is it a negative or positive development?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

A survey of the online gaming websites has shown that ninety percent of the users on such web portals are the young children. (let us stick to children only. Avoid young.) Since computers have been embedded in our lifestyle, children use it for playing indoor games (Indoor games include table tennis, chess, etc which fall under sports. This is wrong.) rather than indulging in sports playing outdoor games. This is certainly a negative advancement because use of computers to play games causes computer games cause many physical and mental health issues.

The prominent reason of using computers to play games is the easy availability (of what?) of laptops and smartphones. Many parents allow their children to play video games on these devices (refer back to laptops and smartphoneslaptops. Firstly, parents since they (1) want their children to stay at home so that they can monitor and keep young people safe. Secondly, (2) we barely have spacious playgrounds in modern cities. Therefore, (Wrong use of therefore. You’re still building an argument and not concluding it.) parents often do not want to take a long drive to reach a countryside park where children can plan some sports. Therefore, children are compelled to spend time playing computer games.

1. Firstly does not seem to connect with the previous sentence. Connect the previous sentence using SINCE.

2. Cohesion mistake. Note that this is secondly not to the previous sentence that contains firstly but to the sentence containing easy availability. Wrong use of a cohesive device. IDEA 1 = Easy Availability. IDEA 2 = Lack of Spacious Grounds.

Computer games not only cause health issues but also the addiction of such games sometimes leads to the (Incorrect use of the. There is no specificity here.) a dangerous situation. (Restructure this sentence. Place “Addiction of these games” before not only but also. The addiction of these games not only causes health issues but also creates dangerous situations. Note parallelism – causes, creates.) “The Blue Whale” was the a nightmare for many parents because after playing this computer game many children committed suicide in 2015. Such games control the brain of the young people and they start living in a virtual reality. Obesity and the bad eyesight are few of the health issues which children encounter because of spending hours in front of the a computer screen. Such health problems become a lifetime pain if they are not taken care treated properly. “The Newyork Times” has also raised concerns on such health issues amongst young children who play computer gamesThis is NOT an example. For instance, a NYT report revealed that more than 15 percent of kids in the USA suffer from diabetes, high blood pressure, obesity and kidney ailments due to spending more than 8 hours playing computer games.

In conclusion, easy access of to computers and less fewer (Places = countable. Less = uncountable.) places to play physical sports are the major reasons that children play more computer games nowadays. This trend has been showing some drawbacks in terms of bad lack of fitness and poor conscience level amongst children.

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