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IELTS Essay Correction: Hobbies Need To Be Difficult.

Some people believe that hobbies need to be difficult to be enjoyable. To what extent do you agree or disagree? 

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Many people think that tough leisure activities are more enjoyable rather (more X than Y) than simple and easy ones. I partially agree with this statement because, although, (no comma after although. Correct construction: Although X, Y.hobbies which involve courage and endurance give pleasure, it does not mean that there are no other ways to be contended contented. (contend = compete. Content = Satisfy.)

Hobbies which demand a strong determination and lot of physical strength, (no comma here) give happiness to some people. This is because people doing such types of leisure activities (SUCH ACTIVITIES already refer to Hobbies which demand ……) feel a step forward than those (You’re comparing people with ordinary people. There is no need of pronoun those.the ordinary people. Marina, for example, when interviewed after her successful return from the peak of Mount Everest, said that she wanted to prove that women are equivalent to men in every field. (Good example!) Therefore, she made a hobby with which she could show her physical strength and mental determination. However, such activities involve high risk, which means that if a person will not be an extra is not sufficiently vigilant, he may meet with a terrible accident. might face an accident and it can affect his life. 

On the other hand, there are many hobbies such as gardening which provide relaxation as well as enjoyment and, at the same time, are easy to do, such as gardening, book reading and so on. (Sentence structure: which provide X as well as Y and are Z. WHICH is common for both PROVIDE and ARE. Wrong placement of such as.) A large number of people spend their free time doing these activities. Firstly, because people they do not require need to go out of their homes and comfort to participate, secondly . Moreover, it does not cost much to do such type of leisure activities. Gardening, for instance, requires simple tools, a few plants, soil, and manure. None of these is a costly item. Similarly, swimming, as a hobby, requires the membership of a local club which costs a few dollars only.

The arguments in BP 2 are not sufficiently developed. This will likely impact your score.

I believe some of the hard or difficult hobbies give contentment to people but risks involved in these hobbies might be dangerous. Moreover, p People can also enjoy doing any sort of commitment simpler and equally fulfilling activities rather than using their muscles and strength.

 

 

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