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IELTS Essay Correction: Changes In Family Structure.

IN RECENT YEARS, THE FAMILY STRUCTURE AND ROLE OF ITS MEMBERS ARE CHANGING. WHAT KIND OF CHANGES CAN OCCUR? DO YOU THINK THESE CHANGES ARE POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Nowadays, (This change is not limited to Nowadays. – 1) the structure of families are changed is changing (Subject = Structure = Singular. Use the present continuous tense.) from extended to nuclear and the responsibilities are divided equally between men and women. In my opinion, these changes are positive since the former enhances finances and the latter promotes gender equality. (You’ve stated the reasons concisely. Good Job!)

1. In the last few decades, the structure of families has gradually transformed from joint (extended) to nuclear.

The main transformation that is seen in family members is the (Note this construction: “the X of Y”.) distribution of household chores between both genders which provides chances for females to prosper in their career. However, (Wrong use of However. – 2.) in the past, only women were responsible for doing work at home because of orthodox beliefs belives. (The argument is weak. How does family structure influence the distribution of work at home? Not clear.) (When the family structure changes from joint to nuclear, the number of female members drops. Consequently, men are forced to share the household chores with women. This results in gender equality in society.) Another change in the structure of family members (wrong word) is that it is gradually becoming smaller with the passing days (= gradually) as people migrate to other cities in search of better job opportunities due to fierce competition in metropolitan cities like New Delhi and Bangalore. They often leave their parents, siblings, and relatives in this endeavour.

2. “However” is used to compare two things within the same context. The correct construction follows this principle: “A leads to B+. However, A also leads to B-“. Education is important to build a strong career. However, it (= education) prevents children from playing sports.

These changes are positive because females would can not continue their career if they only work at home only. For instance, a survey done by the a multinational company of Mumbai revealed that their eighty percent of employees were males in the year 1980 whereas, now this figure is reduced to fifty-one percent and this figure has dropped to 51 percent in 2019. The only reason for this is changes occurred in the role of spouses. This is attributed to changes in the roles of spouses with changes in family structure. (Bring FAMILY STRUCTURE in the picture to improve task response.) Moreover, the undue expenses of members are reducing in nuclear families as they care about electricity usage and shopping bills which is quite difficult in joint families. Thus, the overall savings of smaller families boosts are higher as compared to larger ones.

In conclusion, these transformations are crucial for the development of society in order to reduce gender discrimination and to save natural resources which are used for the production of electricity. Eventually, the (“the X of Y” construction.) economy of the country (you’re not talking about a specific country.) would enhance improve (not the best word. LR issue.) due to gender equality in workplace and the scarcity of natural resources would be curtailed.

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