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IELTS Essay Correction: Movement Of Workers From Rural To Urban Areas.

In many developing countries, there is an increasing movement of workers from rural areas into the cities. Why do you think this happens? What problems can this cause?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

In underdeveloped (Developing countries are different from underdeveloped. Do not use incorrect synonyms. This will impact the LR score.) countries, there is a rising trend of people to move moving from rural areas to cities (from rural to urban areas). In my opinion, the principal reasons for this is the are (You’re stating two reasons) better educational institutions and more job opportunities in cities the latter as compared to the former countryside. The major problem caused by this movement is overpopulation However, this migration often results in over-population in some areas and depopulation of others.

Cities have better higher education institutions and people migrate to enroll in them. Unlike those in the rural areas, these institutes not only have modern research facilities but also hire well-experienced faculty members. (Make comparison.) Moreover, nearly all the cities are mushroomed with renowned transnational companies that offer competitive remuneration packages to its their employees. (1) When people migrate, they get a chance to work in these multinationals and this improves their standards of living. It is impossible to earn similar packages in agriculture-based rural industries. (Comparison) For example, a report published by The BBC News revealed that in the year 2010, people who migrated from Rawat to Karachi became financially stronger because they were paid higher income than in their hometowns.

1. Things can’t be mushroomed with something. When something mushrooms, it crops up naturally and nobody can make it happen. This word must be used in the active voice. Let us restructure it with a modifier: Transnational companies, which offer attractive remuneration packages to their employees, mushroom in cities only. 

Overpopulation is one of the primary problems caused by people who move from the countryside to cities. (There is a weak connection with the previous sentence. Note that you have mentioned benefits (in the form of reasons) in the above paragraph. Use a connector to express contrast in this paragraph.) Despite the educational and employment benefits of migration, it results in over-population of cities which results in numerous individual and social problems. The majority of cities are designed to cater to a designated limited number of people and when this number exceeds, they face accommodation issues. When people do not have a proper housing facility, they prefer to live in shanties and slums and this results in several health issues. The poorly heated and damp housing leads to numerous hygienic hygiene problems, such as asthma and jaundice. For instance, a recent report by the National Health Service concluded that nearly 85 percent of the patients who suffered from bronchitis, in the year 2012, used to live in cramped apartments of New Delhi. They moved to New Delhi from Bihar in order to explore better job opportunities.

(The arguments are well developed with a variety of complex and compound sentences. Good job! However, there are a few sentence structuring issues. Build context through comparison in BP 1.)

In conclusion, due to the better education and employment opportunities in cities, people migrate there and this causes problems like overpopulation. (How is this different from the introduction. Don’t rush through it. Make it futuristic while maintaining the context. In conclusion, if the current migration trends continue relentlessly, villages will soon be depopulation while cities will be overpopulated. This will result in severe damage to social and economic fabric of both regions.)

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