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IELTS Essay Correction: Hobbies Need To Be Difficult.

Some people believe that hobbies need to be difficult to be enjoyable. To what extent do you agree and disagree? 

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

A hobby is an activity which individuals enjoy in their free time to overcome stress. While some people believe that hobbies should be difficult to be enjoyable since it helps they help (singular pronoun can’t refer to a plural subject) in breaking the cycle of monotony, (the X of Y) others think difficult hobbies they are sometimes dangerous for human beings participants.

When number of individuals in their free time (wrong object placement. Discuss in class.) engage in the same hobbies daily, they get bored. Therefore, to refresh their minds, they do difficult activities. It helps in rejuvenation that help them rejuvenate. For example, it was seen by WHO the WHO has noticed that due to elongated routine hours at work make their (THEIR does not refer to any subject) people’s lifestyle becomes boring and when they do bungee jumping, scuba diving, paragliding and, river rafting, it gives them passion towards life. Furthermore, nowadays people have so much stress in their life so that they perform challenging hobbies which are adventurous and gives give (subject-verb disagreement) them excitement. (“So X that Y” construction) (The idea is poorly developed. How do adventurous activities and excitement help in dissolving stress? Explain.) 

On the contrary, difficult hobbies are not easy (That is precisely why they are called difficult hobbies.) for individuals to perform. It requires They require a lot of efforts as compared to the non-dangerous hobbies. (Combine the two sentences: On the contrary, unlike normal hobbies, difficult hobbies require a lot of efforts and determination.) Individuals who perform difficult hobbies them sometimes risk their lives rather (doesn’t make any sense.) having fun whereas hobbies such as gardening, listening music and, dancing can be performed at homes in a safe, non-hazardous environment. their comfort zone. For example, last year, in Himachal Pradesh, a 20 years old young boy died by doing river rafting while rafting in the Ganga river since he was not professionally trained. Moreover, it was reported by doctors that doctors have discovered that adrenaline hormone is released in the human body when individuals perform difficult hobbies. This increases not only heart rate but also blood pressure level. Many incidents of a heart attack were have been seen among individuals during while performing difficult hobbies. 

The words are not optimum (appropriate) and sentence structure is weak at numerous places. There are numerous grammar mistakes as well.

In conclusion, though difficult hobbies rejuvenate our body, they are hard to perform and involve life risk so . So, (Separate the two sentences. Else you will lose the punctuation bands.) they should be practiced under proper supervision for an individual’s safety. 

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