Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Earlier Technological Developments Brought More Benefits.

Earlier technological developments brought more benefits than recent technological developments. To what extent do you agree?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

It is sometimes argued that contemporary technical inventions have fewer advantages as opposed to technological developments in those of the past. (Use pronouns as a referencing device to avoid repetitions.) Personally, (When you use “I”, that includes personally. Do not use both words together. This is tautological.) I agree with this view since electricity is an integral part of most modern technologies and transportation systems of the last century such as ships, trains and airlines have been contributing in to globalization for a long time. (The introduction is well structured and you’ve also mentioned the reasons supporting your arguments. Good job!)

Electricity is a main source of energy for several modern equipments like smartphones, computers and air conditioners. Without it electricity, (use pronouns for referencing) all these electric devices are worthless and cannot function for even a single second. It is electric current which It (Keep using “it” to refer back to electricity.) has opened many doors (frontiers) for scientists (no need to write this) for new innovations such as robots, bullet trains, and electric cars. Therefore, it is hard to imagine the future of human beings without electricity. Consequently, it is evident that electricity, an invention of the past, has brought many benefits for individuals. (Do not use cohesive devices unnecessarily. You’ve used both therefore and consequently. One of them can be easily avoided.)

Note that your sentences are mostly simple in structure. The second sentence uses ‘AND’ and it is compound in nature. The last sentence is complex in nature due to the use of a modifier. Build sentence structures like this: Electricity, which is the main source of energy for ……… conditioners, has laid the foundation of modern human civilization.

Moreover, transportation systems of the 19th century for example such as trains, ships, and aircraft help people to visit any corner of the world which put an appreciable impact on and this has accelerated the march of globalization. (The use of WHICH seems inappropriate in this context. Use AND to build a compound sentence.) As a result, several countries are developing, and rising raising their economic growth and building financial muscles. (The argument is poorly developed. A reader can’t see the connection between transportation systems and economic might of a nation. Bridge this gap. These systems foster global trade through the rapid movement of people and goods.) Furthermore, a train is an economical way of public transportation which is a boon to many travelers. For instance, a train journey in India costs only 100 rupees for 250 kilometers which is thrice times cheaper than traveling the same distance using a modern diesel car. (Simple and effective example.) Eventually, transportations systems of the past have changed the economic view of the world. (Note the construction: the X of Y)

In conclusion, I believe that earlier technological inventions are more advantageous than modern developments for members of the public.

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