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IELTS Essay Correction: Women Have Full Time Jobs.

Nowadays in many countries, women have full-time jobs. Therefore, it is logical to share household task evenly between man and woman. To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

In the (you’re talking about a specific era. Use the article the.modern era, men and woman women work full time since both are educated and have equal rights to work. Therefore, (An introduction is not the right place to conclude arguments. Reserve this for body paragraphs or the conclusion.) it is the (remember this construction: the X of Y.) responsibility of both to help (support) each other in household chores so that it has less does not exert burden on one person and does not affect the health of an individual.

Let us write one sentence to express this idea. Note that I have avoided the use of therefore.In the modern world, since both men and women are equally educated and work full-time, the household chores should be equally distributed between the two genders. This is necessary to prevent an unnecessary burden on women and to maintain their health.

In earlier days, (This is an introducer. Separate it from the main sentence.) women were not educated so they did household work and men went outside to work (avoid using SO in a sentence. Try using it at the beginning of a sentence. Let us change the sentence structure: ….. women were uneducated and were supposed to indulge in household chores only while men went outside to work.). But, nowadays, (Place the interrupter within commas) women are also working engage in professional activities and giving give equal competition to men. Therefore, it is hectic for her them (use a plural pronoun to refer to a plural noun – womento manage (balance) professional and personal life in the absence of her husband their spouses’ support. For example, the WHO has revealed that in Canada women are less stressed as compare to that of India (1) because former are helped by their husbands in dishwashing, washing and drying clothes, mopping th floor, cleaning the house, and gardening. housework. Moreover, it affects health of women, if both professional and household workload is put on her women because whole day work makes her body tired and they become physically weak. For example in one a newspaper ‘The Hindustan Times’ revealed that 60% of women in India are not able to perform work efficiently in office as compare to the USA because of mental tiredness. (I can’t see the role of household chores in this example.)

1. You’re comparing Canada and India in this sentence. You can change the structure to: the Canadian women are less….. as compared to those in India.

Furthermore, busy home and work schedules creates a difference between parents and children. M when a mother is not able to spend quality time with their her kids. (There are numerous pronoun mistakes in this essay.) As a result, (This is an introducer) in the loneliness children indulge in bad habits such as watching TV and playing videos games all times. For instance, the WHO has reported that children age between the age of 8-16 are more spoiler spoiled because their mothers are busy in household chores and did not pay attention to juvenile activities. (The example is not strong. Spoiled? How? What juvenile activities? Is this only due to household chores? For instance, a report by the Indian Ministry of Health has revealed that teenage children engage in drugs, sex and violence when their parents work double shifts to earn livelihood and mothers have to complete the household chores alone. This leaves too little time to spend with the children.) Therefore, it is essential for both sexes to help each other their partner in housework so that they get time to talk with to their children. It makes not only makes (makes is parallel to helps. Both are verbs. Bonds is a noun.) bonds strong with children but also helps in overall development. 

In conclusion, both genders are equal and have to work collaboratively for the smooth running of life. 

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