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IELTS Essay Correction: Organized Group Activities.

Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

It is sometimes considered that young children must be motivated to participate in recreational activities in their spare time by parents. (Why use the word consider? The actually believe it. Right? Also, prefer active voice over passive voice.) Some people think that parents should motivate youngsters to participate in group activities such as soccer in spare time. (Recreational activities are not the same as organized group activities. This is a loss of Task Achievement coupled with an evidence of poor lexical resource.) Others believe that they must discover their interest and spend time in it. learn to spend leisure time on their own. (Your words do not express the ideas clearly.) While the latter allows them to follow their interests and hobbies, I believe that the former helps children learn the more important skills for their future life.

On the one hand, group activities such as dance competitions, quiz contests, and sports not only empower children’s intellectual skills like leadership and communication but also exhibit a teach (Exhibiting does not make them. Teaching them does. Wrong word.) team spirit that makes them more competitive in the race of human civilization. (what does this have to do with human civilization?) For example, a football match imparts how to achieve a common goal in collaboration with teammates to the players (this sounds weird.). On the flip side, (This is not the flipside. Flipside will be the disadvantages of group activities.) (There is no need of an introducer – a cohesive device – here.) a student can not experience such skills while coloring portraits in his room. Consequently, these skills stand them in good stead when they grow up and strengthen their (you’ve already used a pronoun to refer back to children.confidence of pupils to deal with numerous challenges of life like meeting project deadlines.

On the other hand, it is imperative for human beings children to find some ways to spend time on their own because it is impossible to get participate in group activities all year round. To take an example of For example, in Mumbai, a metropolitan city in India, (build a proper modifier/ adjective clause.) due to the monsoon, children can not get out of their homes since roads flood with water during monsoon. Hence, (a cohesive device is completely unnecessary) there are no ways to get involved involve in organized activities outside of home during this season. Moreover, spending some moments with oneself encourages a (wrong article) children to pursue his their (use a plural pronoun to refer back to childreninterests and hobbies that unlock hidden potentials and refresh brains muscles. Eventually, (Wrong use of eventually. It is used to emphasise that something happened FINALLY despite a large number of problems. It rained hard and there was a huge traffic jam. Eventually, we reached the office before time.) it is crucial to spend some time alone.

In conclusion, I would argue that families should motivate their juniors (this is not same as children) children to get involved in recreational activities(Oops! The same mistake as in the introduction.)

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