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IELTS Essay Correction: Families Move Abroad For Work.

These days many families move abroad for work. Some people believe that this benefits the children in these families. Others believe that it makes their lives more difficult. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

With the proliferation of globalization, individuals are moving to developed countries for work. While some believe that this is beneficial to their children the children of these families (there is no mention of families in the previous sentence. The use of these is incorrect. Let us use their to refer to individuals.), others think that it puts them in trouble. I agree with the former view since they receive a quality education and lucrative job offers in the futureIt is better to connect reasons with views. (While some people believe that it is beneficial for their children as it ensures quality education and lucrative employment, ……..)

On the one hand, the education system of developed countries such as the USA and Canada is not only superior than to developing countries like India and Pakistan but also it is totally free of cost. (When it’s free, it includes totally.) When the children of migrants get a chance to enroll into them (in what? Them does not refer to any noun. It should refer to the education system. But it fails to do so.), they (What does they refer to? Children or education system?) broaden their (One pronoun should refer to one noun only.) all areas (too vague) of knowledge and get practical (experience is always practical) experiences which is vital for today’s professions. (It (refers to education system) provides them practical knowledge and relevant experience to find a well-paid job.) This stands them in good stead when they grow up (vague) and opens many doors of job opportunities in the future. (Let us write an example. An easy and effective one. For example, while western schooling focuses more on laboratory experiments and field visits, the Indian system relies on rote, classroom learning. Consequently, the Indian students are not employable after graduation.) In contrast, the figures of unemployment are rising at an unprecedented scale in underdeveloped countries.

On the other hand, in the adolescence age, children are not suffice (this word is incorrect. Check its meaning.) mature to adopt a foreign culture and able to become bilingual. Due to this, they may not able to express their ideas and opinions in the classroom and it hinders their academic progress and impacts final grades. (If you don’t write impacts, the word hinders will link with final grades. You can’t hinder grades. That’s logically incorrect.) For example, a boy who has recently completed his elementary schooling in the Hindi medium can not easily cover the syllabus of primary school‘s subjects of Canada which is all are written in the English language. Moreover, he may also not able to clear his doubts and queries with his teacher. (The example is well constructed. Good job!) But this problem can be solved by teaching children the native language of the country for to which parents are planning to move in.

In conclusion, in my opinion, (= in my opinion) I believe that the migration of families to developed countries is totally advantageous for their children.

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