Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Set Retirement Age For Everybody.

Some people think that having a set retirement age (e.g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age.

Do you agree or disagree?

Which types of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement?

Give reasons from your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Answer:

We will discuss a burning topic today (Who is we? You’re not discussing it. ‘Today’ does not mean anything.) whether the current retirement age (65 years) of 65 years should remain uniform (uniform for whom?) be the same for everyone or should it be basis based on different occupations. In my opinion, (= I feel. They mean the same thing. This will count as repetition and will reduce the LR score.) I feel few occupations should have an early retirement age. I will support my opinion by giving reasons in the below paragraphs. (Of course, you will do so. That’s the question. Right? This is a statement that many students cram to write in the exam. The examiners know this and cut your bands. They want to read your original writing. Not someone else’s that you’ve crammed. Moreoveor, this sentence is completely unnecessary. Replace it with something that adds value.)

Firstly, few some jobs occupations like Policemen and Sportsmen (these are not jobs. LR issue.) that of police and a medical officer (engineer, doctor, accountant, ….) require physical strength, agility and attention span as their (Who does their refer to? It should refer to individuals. But there are no individuals in your sentence. You’ve talked about jobs. If it refers to jobs, the logic is violated. Jobs can’t have core competencies.) core competencies. With growing age, (need a comma with an introducer.) these capabilities deteriorates and causes (subject-verb disagreement) an obstacle for the professionals to perform at their optimum level. We should not underestimate the critical role they play in our society. (What is the relevance of this sentence? How does underestimate the critical role come in the picture?) Any reduction in optimum performance can pose danger to the safety of our citizens especially in the case of policemen, h (Never separate two independent clauses using a comma. This is a major punctuation mistake.) Hence, it advisable to reduce their retirement age and provide them early pension so that they can sustain themselves.

The above paragraph has numerous grammar mistakes (pronouns, punctuation, subject-verb disagreement). There are lexical resource issues as well.

Secondly, this would also mean more vacancies available for fresh talent and creates would create (maintain the same tense. While the former is in the future tense, the latter is in the present tense.) numerous employment opportunities. I would like to draw your attention to (No need to write this. Redundant.) the recent news on the BBC channel showing a video clip of a chain snatcher grabbing a chain of one female a woman during broad daylight in a public park. When that women she (use a pronoun to refer back to a noun) cried for help(need a comma here: When X, Y.) a nearby policemen policeman who was in his fifties chased the thief but couldn’t catch him. He was panting and sat on the bench to catch his breath. I think this incident was an eye-opener and posed serious questions about the safety of our vicinities. While that policemen policeman was trying his best but (do not use but with while. The correct construction is While X,Y) due to lack of agility because of old age due to the lack of agility, which is often a result of old age, he failed. (The use of because seems weird. It means the same as due to.)

I think it’s it is time for us to ask ourselves and (ask ourselves what? This does not mean anything. Don’t write it.) reconsider the decision on uniform retirement age because it doesn’t doesnot seem fit for all the occupations. The retirement age should be basis based on the competencies required along with importance they hold for the organizations and society at large.

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