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IELTS Essay Correction: Children Participate In Organized Group Activities.

Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in their free time. Other say that it is important for children to know how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

A number of individuals are of in (wrong preposition, missing article. – 1) the opinion that mother and father of kids should motivate their them (do not use their and them together) (writing parents will not count as a repetition. Refer to the voice note.) parents should motivate kids/ children to participate in team activities during their leisure time, while others believe that youngsters they (use a pronoun to refer back to childrenshould learn themselves, how have freedom to invest their free time. This essay discusses both sides of the argument (Of course it will. That’s the question statement “discuss both views”. Do not write this. This shows that you’ve crammed a few standard statements. It will hamper your score.) and I will give my own perspective (No need to write this. This is the question statement.) which is, I am in accord of with the opinion that young people should involve themselves in team activities.

1. Whenever there is something specific, you should use the article the. Here, you’re talking about a specific opinion.

You do not need to cram any structure to write an effective introduction. Here is a natural way of writing: Some people think that children should have the freedom to find their interest and use their free time independently. (View 1 – Not your opinion) I think this approach is not productive and parents should guide them to participate in group activities such as river rafting and football. (View 2 – your opinion)

The main reason why I am stressing children’s involvement in group activities is, this will (Don’t write “The main reason why I am ……”) Indulging in group activities helps children them to interact with different kinds of people. By mingling with various people in the society, (= interact with different people. Same as the previous sentence. This will count as a repetition. Better write a pronoun.) they would be able This enables them to learn communication and leadership skills. For example, in games such as Cricket and Football, players will (Wrong tense. Use the Simple Present Tense.) learn coordination within team and techniques to tackle different issues (what issues? Be more specific.). (For example, in Cricket, a team sport, bowlers and fielders coordinate to prevent batsmen from scoring. This requires strong team work and problem solving abilities.) If parents won’t (wrong tense.) do not encourage the (note this construction: the X of Yparticipation of their child in these areas, then (No need of writing then in If-Then construction) they may miss the opportunity to develop these skills which are useful to face corporate world in future.

On the other hand, some people’s main concern might be security problems. Nowadays there is a lot of buss buzz over the kidnapping of school pupils. Hence, parents are hesitating hesitate to send their children to open places, (wrong punctuation) where there might be security problems. (What does this have to do with team activities or children’s choice of activities? Loss of task achievement.) In such instances, a child should learn to occupy themselves by home-based learnings, such as studying a new foreign language and so on. (This is not supposed to be this paragraph’s theme. It should be about giving children the freedom to invest their free time. You’re restricting them to home-based activities.) Therefore, it is imperative for school going children to understand their responsibilities to self-occupy with some activities, where there are security concerns(Wrong sentence construction. Can you find the flaw? It’s logical in nature.)

In conclusion, group activities would (wrong tense) help the children to learn a variety of skills which could benefit their future and it is also important to understand their responsibilities in case of difficult situations. However, (Wrong use of however. It is used to express contrast in the same context. “The Indian food is very tasty. However, it has a lot of oil that leads to heart ailments.” This expresses contrast about the Indian food.) I believe that parents are supposed to support their kids to mix with a group of people in sports communities and security concerns should not restrict their freedom of learning, they need to explore other options for their child’s safety. Your conclusion is already too long. This sentence does not add any value.

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