Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Organized Group Activities.

Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in their free time. Other say that it is important for children to know how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

The way children should invest/ spend (missing verb – incomplete sentence) their leisure time has caused polarization (That’s a strong word. Have you crammed it? This is not the best word in this context. You will lose bands for LR.) among many people. Few people believe that children should be motivated by their parents to engage in a group activity, while others say that children they (use a pronoun to refer back to childrenshould learn to keep themselves occupied. This essay will examine both side of the arguments and explain why I support the former view. (Why write something that you’re supposed to do? The question says – Discuss both views and give your opinion. You’re not supposed to reiterate the question statement. That sounds weird. Instead, use this place to give your opinion.)

The supporters of a solo activity advocate that in this hustle and bustle of contemporary life-styles it is imperative for children to be self-engaged as it provides them ‘me-time’ which is crucial for them to understand themselves. A child can explore himself in many ways by learning to occupy himself in his leisure time. (This sentence does not add any value. It seems merely to add a few words to your essay. Write precisely and meaningfully.) To exemplify, a A child may learn to cook on his own in his time-off free time giving him an opportunity to experiment with different ingredients, various cuisines, and recipes. Hence, to these supporters spending free time on their own can be rewarding as it results in finding skills they never think they have.

Others, however, myself included (I, on the other hand, support the view that …..) highlight that organized and well-structured activities with their peers have numerous benefits. Firstly, despite having a difference in opinions, (wrong modifier construction – 1) working with other members of a team and coach towards the same goal enhances (subject-verb disagreement. Subject = working.) the tolerance threshold of an individual which blatantly (Whoa! That’s a wrong word. It have negative connotations. Check its meaning in the Cambridge dictionary.) acts as a boon in adult life. Moreover, many group exercises strive to boost self-confidence and creativity in children. For instance, a group of children asked to draw a painting based on a memory or to recite a monologue in 10 different ways (Strange construction: group of children – has the power. The activities should have the power.) has the power to stimulate the brain, and achieving the task enhances self-esteem. (Drawing a painting based on memory or reciting a mologue have the power to stimulate children’s brain.) (How are painting and monologue group activites? Logic violation.) Thus, working with other children in spare time can create positive ripples in terms of learning team working skills, magnifying the creativity and self-confidence.

1. A modifier modifies the noun it is linked to. For example: King George, who is 6 feet tall, is a great warrior. In your sentence, despite having differences in opinion talks about working. Working can’t have a difference of opinion. Children can have a difference of opinion. The sentence structure is incorrect. Despite having differences of opinion with other team members, children strive to achieve the common goal …..

To reiterate, although spending spare time without any playmates helps explore a child’s interest, in my opinion, having group activities develop skills (having can’t develop skills. Group activities can.) required to work in a team, intensify creativity and have a constructive effect on the future.

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