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IELTS Essay Correction: Improving Position Of Women Leads To Problems.

The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems, such as juvenile delinquency, that young people now experience arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Answer:

In the (To refer to SPECIFIC decades, use the article thepast two decades, (1) women have gained a (3) better position in society. (2) However, (Wrong use of cohesive device. HOWEVER is used to indicate contrast with the previous sentence. There is no contrast here. This sentence is a consequence of the previous one.) some people feel that as married women are more busy busier with their job responsibilities, they are unable to take care of their children which leads (singular action/ subject. Prefer ‘s’ with the verb form) to an (3) increase in juvenile crime. I agree with this opinion because children need more (This is absurd. What do you mean by MORE? More than what? Lexical Resource issue.) adequate/ sufficient parental care, but there are some other factors also responsible for this development.

1. This is an introducer. An introducer is a word or a phrase that is added before the subject of the sentence to provide additional information. 

2. There are better ways to write this sentence. Listen to the voice notes on WhatsApp: In the last two decades, the economic and social position of women has improved tremendously.

3. Note: an increase in X; a better position in Y; a/the rise in Z. Use a determiner/ article in this construction.

It can never be denied that young children require more (Absurd again. MORE than whom? The usual construction is: More X than Y.) care (word repetition. LR issues.) a lot of attention from their parents, particularly form from mother. They learn various qualities (such as? This is absurd writing. Use concrete words.) (4) form their family members. As When (WHEN is more suitable in the context of the previous sentence.) women are involved into in their work professional tasks (LR issue), they do not get sufficient/ enough time to teach children social and ethical values such as honesty, integrity and love. For instance, in New York, more than seventy percent of married women are working for at least eight hours everyday in a day. Therefore, they can not spend enough time with their kids to monitor their behavior on a regular basis. (5) In this situation, children are not only deprived of social values but also free to do whatever they want. (This sentence should be written before the example so that the idea is explained at one place. 6.) As a result, many young children involve into in criminal activities.

4. Concrete words in the same sentence: They learn arts, language, and sports from their mother.

5. BAD example construction. All elements of an example should be SPECIFIC. Your second sentence is general. ……. everyday and this has resulted in an increasing number of thefts by juveniles.

6. Paragraph structure: IDEA – Explain the idea – Example.

On the other hand, women‘s empowerment is not solely responsible for the (3) rise in juvenile crimes. Easy access to of the internet technology is also a major cause for this. Kids have more (What do you mean by more information? This is absurd.) information accessibility form various online sources such as Facebook, Youtube, and Instagram. (7) They learn different techniques of crime form these platforms, and try to use them in their regular life. In India, for example, young children are excessively vulnerable to indulge into in illegal activities because of less control of the government on online networking sites. (This is NOT an example. An example is more SPECIFIC in content. Not in names. You need to move beyond nouns such as India. In India, for example, more than 70 percent of teenagers surf Facebook for more than three hours per day against the wishes of their parents and this exposes them to violent movies and religious fundamentalists that impact their minds adversely.(It is important to write “against the wishes of their parents” to emphasise that mothers are available to take care.) Thus, it is highly likely that children get involved into in these offensive crimes despite having proper care form their parents. (into = when something is within or inside. Please put the book into the bag.)

7. Merge the two sentences to create a more coherent sentence. Note the use of concrete words. Easy access to websites such as Facebook and YouTube exposes them to inappropriate information such as violence, sexual content that corrupts their thought process.

To conclude, in my opinion, the trend of women working for longer hours has adversely/ negatively affected the society due to less care for young children. However, many other factors are equally associated with this change. 

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