Many people think that money is the best gift to give to a teenager, but others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion including relevant examples.
Some individuals believe that cash is the most appropriate present for
the (Wrong use of the. You are not talking about SPECIFIC teenagers – the teenagers in the age group of 11 to 13.) teenagers . This is maybe (1) they can buy anything of their choice and learn money-saving skills. However, in my opinion, other gifts are more appreciable (Oops! – 2) because they act as a token to remember and prevent the teenagers to from misuse money. (The correct construction is “prevent X from Y”.)
1. Let us combine the two sentences. This will increase the cohesion score. …. present for teenagers as it (refers back to money) enables them to purchase anything of their choice and teaches them the skill of saving money. (TEACHES and ENABLES follows the Rules of Parallelism.)
Please read my article on the Rules of Parallelism.
2. Wrong word choice. LR issue. While appreciate means expressing gratitude for something, appreciable means something significant (huge, considerable). “There has been an appreciable change in the number of Covid-19 patients in the last 24 hours.”
Many teenagers feel happy to receive
the (this is not SPECIFIC money. … the money that my dad gave me …..) money as a gift due to various reasons. Firstly, they can buy (purchase) anything (items/ goods) according to their wishlist. (Please note there are better words to express your views. I’ve written them within parenthesis. Plus, you’ve mentioned an idea but you’ve not explained it. See – 3.) Also, it is difficult to guess someone’s choice and requirement at a particular time. With the a rapid change in fashion, for instance, it is hard to estimate (estimate is used for things that can be quantified.) judge (figure out) a teenager’s preference in clothing. (This is NOT an example – 4) Secondly, they can learn the valuable habit of saving the (the same mistake) money. They can use the preserved money during their bad times. (Bad explanation – 5) Consequently, the uncertainty of children’s likes and to adapt the important trait leads people to give cash as a present. (There is no need to write the last sentence.)
3. EXPLAIN the idea before moving to the next idea. Firstly, they can purchase items according to their wishlist. Teenagers usually have a wishlist that they rarely share with their parents. While parents may prefer to gift a bicycle to a teenage daughter, she may be more inclined towards an iPod.
4. Be very specific while writing an example: With rapidly changing fashion trends, for instance, it is hard to judge whether a teenager prefers a plain jean or a ripped one. Similarly, the size, shape, and design of earrings keep changing every few months and so does a teenage girl’s preferences.
5. You’ve deviated from the topic. The point is “How does a monetary gift help a teenager learn the habit of saving money?” Moreover, monetary gifts build the valuable habit of saving money. (IDEA in the first sentence.) When a teenager gets cash as a gift, she rarely spends it immediately. She preserves it and accumulates money to spend it in the future. (EXPLANATION in the next two sentences) For instance, my sister accumulated the gifted money for several years to purchase a piano and now she is a famous musician. (EXAMPLE in the last sentence.)
On the other hand, I think that gifts other than money (= non-monetary gifts) are more beneficial for
the teenagers. Unlike money, other presents (such as?) can always recall (Presents can’t recall. Humans can.) the memories and are (parallelism issue. Can you guess why?) beneficial for the a (article mistake. GR issue.) teenager’s growth. (Let us re-write the sentence: Unlike money, presents such as a toy have emotional value as they help a person recall valuable memories. They act as a bond, for example, between parents and children, and between siblings. (IDEA EXPLAINED. Now pick the second idea – GROWTH.)) For example, books and gaming accessories help them to build their cognitive skills and make them physically active. Also, many teenagers are unable to handle more (MORE doesn’t convey anything here.) money and may push them to the (Its a SPECIFIC path. Right?) wrong path such as drug addiction and gambling make them drug addicts and gambler. (Can you guess why these are incorrect? Let us discuss.) Therefore, to give money to the teenagers may have some bad adverse/ negative (LR issue) consequences.
To conclude, although money benefits teenagers in
many numerous/ umpteen (Use better and more appropriate words) ways, but (Wrong construction: The correct construction is Although X, Y. There is no BUT with ALTHOUGH.) money it (let us use a pronoun to refer back to money. This will build cohesion in your answer) can have detrimental (this needs to be an adjective. It is a quality of effect. What is the nature of effect? It’s detrimental. LR issue.) effects on them. With the use of other gifts, they can enhance their skills.
Okay! There are numerous GR and LR issues in this essay. Also, it will not score well on TR since you’ve not developed the arguments.
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