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IELTS Essay Correction: Problems With Student Behaviour.

In many countries, schools have severe problems with student behavior. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?

Answer:

School children are lacking lack (Simple present tense vs present continuous. Understand the difference. See voice notes.) discipline in many parts of the world(consider adding a comma) which creates critical problems for school authorities. (1) Lack of social values and excessive use of the internet are some of the major causes for this issue. However, there are umpteen/ numerous (consider adding an adjective to improve LR.) ways to tackle this situation.

1. There are numerous ways to write a sentence. This depends on the PART OF THE SENTENCE YOU WANT TO FOCUS ON. If you want to focus on “Lack of discipline”, place it at the beginning of the sentence: The lack of discipline among school students is leading to numerous problems for school authorities.

Behavioral problems among students are associated with many aspects (You’re not talking about aspects but about reasons. – 2). Firstly, young children are unaware of social as well as ethical values which means that they are unable to differentiate between right and wrong. Therefore, in many situations students they (use a pronoun to refer back to the noun. This creates cohesion.) create indiscipline, such as disrespecting teachers and fighting with other students, but they do not know the adverse effects of their actions on society without understanding the social fallout of these actions. (Better words, my dear!) Secondly, the (construction: the X of Yusage of the internet for longer long (LR issue) hours and for wrong purposes (Good attempt at creating parallelism. But, you could have easily avoided FOR.) also leads students to behave poorly. There are is (“number of” is singular in nature) an excessive number of online sources, such as violent games, crime-related serials, and porn sites, that promote illegal and offensive activities. For instance, recently launched game, Pub-G, a recently launched game, (We discussed implicit form of cohesion. Here is an application. Note that I have created a MODIFIER. Discuss with me if you have any doubt.) has various levels from where children learn different techniques of murder and robbery. This not only encourages them to commit such crimes but also diverts their mind from studies. (Though there are numerous issues with the paragraph above, you’ve developed the arguments well. Also, sentence structuring is good. In the last sentence, you’ve made a good use of “not only, but also”.)

2. Let us write in a more impressive manner by combining the first two sentences: The primary underlying reason for behavioral issues is that children are often unaware of …….

Fortunately, (Good introducer!) there are solutions to the aforestated problem. this severe problem of schools. Teaching the importance of respect and care to children would definitely make a considerable considerably change in their behavior. As they learn extreme results the fallout (“the X of Y” construction. Note the use a more appropriate word. This will improve the LR score.) (the negative consequences) of unlawful activities from their teachers, they would think twice before indulging in such crimes. Apart from this, the government and parents should restrict the usage of the internet for young children. For example Recently, (Implicit form of cohesion. Plus, the use of an introducer.) imposing India imposed a blanket ban on all the porn sites in India which has led to drastic fall in the (“the X of Y“) number of juvenile crimes in the (you’re talking about specific two years.) past two years. (Though there are LR and GR issues, you’ve developed the arguments well. Good job!)

To conclude, many schools suffer from bad behavior of children children’s behavioral issues which arise primarily due to less knowledge of social and ethical values. This problem can be resolved by teaching students discipline, and restricting their internet usage.

Here’s a special input. What is the difference between an introduction and a conclusion? Are they not the same in your essay? Consider the following conclusion for this essay:

To conclude, if behavioral issues of children are tackled through parental control and proper social and cultural education, the children will develop into mature citizens and will make significant economic and social contributions.

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