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IELTS Essay Correction: International Tourism Creates Tension.

Nowadays, international tourism is the biggest industry in the world. Unfortunately, it creates tension rather than understanding between people from different cultures. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Answer:

International tourism is proliferating (tourism can’t proliferate/ spread. Every word has a context. Using it without understanding its exact usage will cost you bands in LR.) at an accelerated pace in different parts of the world. (1) Some people believe that instead of building the (Oops! What compelled you to use an article here? Strong is just an adjective. It is not signaling a SPECIFIC type of relations.) strong relations among people, it has numerous negative effects as it disrupts social harmony, and leads to several health problems. I also agree with this statement because of the social fallouts of this industry.

1. This sentence has nothing to do with “biggest industry”. It means that the industry earns the largest revenue. Let us write another sentence. “With the strengthening of globalization, international tourism is the largest source of revenue for a large number of countries. I believe that has serious environmental fallouts through severe pollution.”

A rise in cross-border tourism has created umpteen changes in society. (You can easily avoid the first sentence. You’ve already MENTIONED it in the previous paragraph.) As people travel from one place to another the other, they are often unaware of the social as well as the religious values of those nations. In some cases, they hurt the sentiments of local people which further leads to the hate feelings hatred/ animosity toward each other. If the an American USA based tourist, visiting the Golden Temple at Amritsar, does not have sufficient knowledge about the (the X of Y) fundamentals of Sikh religion, such as covering the head, removing the shoes and bowing down his head, he may face criticism from the Sikh community. Apart from this, when people visit other countries, they adopt their cultures and languages. (2) These changes in their behavior may not be accepted (…. may be unaaceptable …..) in their native region, thus, they can cause disturbance in the society.

2. One pronoun family must refer to one noun only. In your sentence, they refers to people and their refers to other countries. This is incorrect. Restructure: Moreover, when people visit other countries, they adopt foreign customs and traditions that are unacceptable in their native countries. (they and their refer to the same subject – people.)

Additionally, international tourism has several dangerous health consequences. It is highly extremely difficult for the tourists to adjust in the adverse climatic conditions of other nations. (3) (How are they unable to adjust to the climate? EXPLAIN. Note the sentence in point number 3 below. TR issue.) They may find problems (This is ambiguous. Write concrete words.) suffer from stomach aches due to a sudden change in the diet requirements as well. (You’ve not explained the idea. TR issue.) Switching from a vegetarian Jain diet to Canadian Hamburgers is difficult for many Indians. Furthermore, traveling to other nations countries also fastens the process of the communication of various diseases. Covid-19, a recent pandemic, has engulfed the entire world, (Link which to the word it modifies. It should be linked to Covid-19 and not world.) (4) which has transferred to the different parts of the world by people travelling abroad for the tourisms or other purposes. This serious issue has not only led to the a huge economic loss but also created tension among various nations.

3. Let us combine the first two sentences: Moreover, traveling internally seriously impact the health of tourists as they are unable to acclimatize to the local environment. A Britisher, who used to the cold climate of London, may fall ill in humid and hot climate of Kenya. 

4. Restructure: Covid-19, which has transmitted throughout the world due to people’s movement from one country to another and has become a pandemic, has engulfed the entire world.

There are numerous TR and GR (sentence structuring) issues in BP2. This will severely hamper your score. Also, the words are not optimum. There is some ambiguity in your response.

To conclude, I agree that the development of the (You’re talking about a SPECIFIC industry) international tourism industry has created severe social as well as health problems, although it helps people to understand the diversity of cultures throughout the world.

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