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IELTS Essay Correction: Success In Sports.

Some people think that to be successful in sports you need natural ability and others think that hard work and practice can make you successful. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Answer:

Many people think that it is far easy to gain success in sports if the players have natural capabilities as physical qualities and mind power plays play a predominant role in it. While . while (1) others feel that the rigorous and continuous training leads to a victory because it develops the organ memory and improves precision of the sportspersons. In my opinion, for professional sports, both the hard work and in born abilities (Unnecessary words.) of them have an equal contribution.

1. WHILE is used for comparison between two ideas. It is a conjunction used to connect two ideas. So, you should maintain the same sentence. While connecting two ideas, first note the common element – success in sports. Now, place the common element at the beginning of the sentence: For success in sports, while some people think that natural physique and mind power are important, others believe organ memory and precision, which are developed through rigorous training, are crucial.

People with perfect body structure, in terms of appropriate height, weight and bone strength, are best suitable for certain games. (Good beginning!) They need less practice to train their body as compared to others which who (wrong pronoun) do not meet the requirements. Mohamand Ali, the world-famous boxer, was six feet tall and highly flexible. His These natural traits have (Wrong tense. Maintain PAST tense.) helped to win several competitions, especially against the short-built players. Apart from this, players with quick brain functioning (2) can easily win the games which require focus and decision-making ability such as chess, archery and shooting, that some people are born with(Note the words I’ve used in point 2 to express ‘people are born with’. The last sentence has a few LR issues. Also, try not to use a preposition at the end of a sentence.)

2. There are better words to express these ideas: Moreover, the players with faster in-born/ natural/ innate reflexes can easily ……

You’ve made a nice attempt in developing arguments and building sentences. However, there are a few GR (pronouns, tense) and LR issues. Overall, the attempt was nice!

On the other hand, with consistent practice, many organs start learning the (Are you writing about specific actions? I’m sure not.) certain actions and these (3) which get saved in the their memory of each body part. (Are organs and body part same? Why have you used two sets of nouns? Let us use a pronoun.) (A lot of GR issues in this sentence.) This not only helps players to be spontaneous but also improves their accuracy. (A well-built sentence with perfect parallelism.) Additionally, regular training enhances the efficiency of many individuals. During practice, they make a lot of mistakes and find their (unnecessary pronoun) solutions which reduces reduce (subject-verb disagreement) the chances of error in the real match. The fastest man on the earth, Usain Bolt, practices extremely hard for more than six hours in a day under varied conditions. (I can’t see ‘solutions’ you mentioned in the previous sentence. This makes the example disconnected from the idea. – 4) This tough regime has led him to win the five Olympic gold medals in hundred-meter race.

3. Finding the right conjunction to connect two ideas is an art. You’ve used AND to connect two ideas. But, this compelled you to use a PRONOUN (these) to refer to actions. Let us use a conjunction which not only connects ideas but also acts as a pronoun: WHICH. 

4. Let us re-write the example to connect with the idea. Usain Bolt, the fastest man on earth, improved his speed by practicing daily to eliminate inaccuracies in the ankle’s angle and body orientation during a sprint.

To conclude, I believe that hard work can provide the a successful career to a sportsperson but it is often difficult. However, regular practice coupled with the natural abilities augments the probability of success. (Oops! – 5)

5. Since your opinion is an amalgamation of both views, you can’t just simply state it in the conclusion. You have to EXPLAIN it. Let us re-write the conclusion.

In conclusion, while hard work helps a sportsperson finetune his abilities, the natural body is necessary to begin a career. Without innate abilities, nobody can become a sportsperson. One can become a Sachin Tendulkar or a Lionel Messi only if he is endowed with natural abilities which are sharpened with regular, stringent practice.  

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