Some people say that giving a small amount of money weekly to children will help them become more capable as they grow older. Do you agree or disagree?
Money is a prerequisite for surviving in today’s world.
Therefore, t (No need of this connector. Unnecessarily using connectors will cost you bands.) To instill its value to juveniles, (Either write ‘a juvenile’ or ‘juveniles’) one school of thought avers that , (wrong comma placement. GR mistake. A comma signals a slight pause. There is no need of a pause here.) parent should bestow (1) weekly pocket money since , (wrong comma placement. There is no need of a slight pause here.) it would help them to use it judiciously. (2) I concur with the statement and, explain my arguments in the following paragraphs with examples. (Of course, you will. That’s the question. Don’t write this. Why write “One school of thought avers” when this is YOUR VIEW? See point 2 below.)
1. An optimum choice of words is necessary to score above 7. BESTOW is not the right word. It is usually used to refer to a large or one-time gift. I am bestowed with the art of writing.
2. Let us re-write this sentence: I believe that to instill its value juveniles should receive pocket money regularly so that they can learn how to spend it wisely. However, active parental guidance is a necessary pre-requisite for this process.
At the outset, weekly pocket money molds the thinking of children regarding its utilization. They
would (No need of would here.) spend it wisely because , (another unnecessary comma – GR mistake.) they are well aware of with (The correct construction is “aware of”.) the fact that they do not get any extra amount for the next seven days. For example, a survey by a leading newspaper had has (wrong tense. Can you guess why?) revealed that , (another wrong comma placement) more than 80% of children who get a small amount (of what? Missing word. LR mistake.) once a week would (why “would”?) spend it on essential things and , (Oops! Comma again.) care for their brought possessions as much as possible since , if anything would be is/ gets broken , they have to buy it again from their pocket money. (The example is not strong enough. It does not exemplify the CORE of the topic. – 3)
3. Let us re-write the above example with concrete/ specific words for the core of the topic. Note the underlined words.: A survey by the Education Board has revealed that children who get rupees 100 for discretionary spending every week develop a habit of saving it in a piggy bank and accumulate it for months to purchase necessary items such as books and guitar. They do not waste it on junk food and video games.
Wrong comma, unnecessary use of would, and wrong prepositions will KILL your bands.
Furthermore, while managing pocket money, children
would (Another unnecessary use of would) also comprehend its indispensable s role in once one’s life. (Before you jump to the conclusion in the next sentence, please make sure the idea is developed completely. How does the pocket money help in realizing its indispensable role? – TR mistake.) They learn the skill of financial management by spending within the existing means and saving for the future. Thereby, they would commence saving money for their future. In this way, they will learn financial management skills which are the need of the day. To illustrate, a study by ‘Financial School of World’ had revealed that, people who had (wrong tense. You’ve incorrectly used the past perfect tense TWICE.) learned the (Note the construction: the X of Y.) strategy of financial management in their childhood can (Since the example is in the past tense, we need the past of can – could) could not only comfortably handle the financial crises but also resolve it promptly without borrowing money from friends. (This is not an example. Just sprinkling NAMES does not make a normal idea sentence an example. You need a specific example for the CORE of the idea. Try building this one on the lines of point number 3.)
To conclude, although
, (correct construction: Although X, Y.) weekly allowance has numerous privileges, still parent must keep surveillance on the expenditures of their children . So, so that they would do not spend it on unnecessary things. (It is important to remove their in the sentence above. One family of pronouns must refer to one noun only. While their refers to parents, they refers to children. This is wrong.)