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IELTS Essay Correction: Give Gifts To Show Care.

Some people believe that it is important to give gifts to friends and family to show that we care about them. Others think that there are better ways to show that we care. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Answer:

The expression of love and care is highly important in the modern times. Many people think that giving presents is the most effective way of expressing (How can you prevent the repetition of care and love? Well, there is a smart way. – 1) care for the loved ones as it makes the another person (Who is that? The receiver. Don’t use the with another.) feel special and is the necessity in many societies. Others, however, feel that care can be shown by several different ways, and I also agree with this. (2)

1. Your first sentence’s subject is “expression of love and care”. Use a PRONOUN to refer to it. Many people think that it is best expressed through presents as the receiver feels special (valued).

2. Numerous issues with this sentence. If this is YOUR view, there is no need of writing OTHERS. Also, MENTION the several different ways. Don’t leave it absurd. I, however, feel that A, B, and C are more useful to serve this purpose.

Gifts, given on the special occasions such as birthday, (missing a comma here will be a blunder) anniversary and retirement, provide the immense happiness to the receiver. These tokens of love let the individuals (Ideally, you should have used a pronoun to refer to receiver in the previous sentence.) believe that they have a special place in the hearts of their loved ones. (If possible, develop the argument further. It is precisely due to this reason that people carefully preserve the cards, tennis rackets, cricket kits, and dolls gifted decades ago.) Moreover, in numerous societies, it is the unprecedented proof of love and care (This is same as the previous idea – special place in the hearts.for the family members and friends. In India, for instance, it is a tradition (How is tradition same as proof of love and care?) to give gifts to the couple on their wedding day. Therefore, all the guests give blessings to the newly married couple either by gifting money or any other type of the daily use items. (The ideas are not strongly developed. This will cost you the TR bands.)

If you’ve run out of ideas, it is better to explore the option “What if no gifts are given?” 

Gifts, given on special occasions such as birthday, anniversary and retirement, provide immense happiness to the receiver. These tokens of love let him believe that he has a special place in the hearts of his loved ones. It is precisely due to this reason that people carefully preserve the cards, tennis rackets, cricket kits, and dolls gifted decades ago. In the absence of gifts, it is impossible for the giver to express love and difficult for the receiver to feel it. These emotions can only be realized through objects whose absence may erode the bonds of friendship and family.

On the other hand, care can be expressed by helping someone in a dire need rather than through material things. (3) People feel highly (profoundly) relieved when they see their close friends or and relatives on by their side in the critical situations. (This seems too vague. What do you mean by critical situations?) Apart from this, spending time and paying full attention to the loved ones is also an appreciable mode of care. (Is it better than GIFTS? I can’t see the comparison that the question asks.) For example, a sixty five-year-old father does not need any material item such as a swanky watch, shirt or perfume. His sole requirement is the attention and time of his family members. It not only provides him inner strength but also relief (4) from his illness.

3. “X rather than Y” – compares X and Y. In your sentence, it compares need and material things. This is incorrect. Let us restructure (note parallelism in X and Y). Note the use of concrete/ specific message in the green color: On the other hand, helping someone, instead of offering material objects, is a powerful way to express care. Occasions such as sudden hospitalization, untimely demise, severe accidents do not demand gifts but time and attention of family members. Also, the elderly members and kids of a family do not need Alexa to sing them songs or a google smartwatch to inform about time. They need time to talk, eat dinner and drink tea together. After kids spend an entire day at school and parents exert more than 10 hours at work, they need each other’s company during the evening. No object or gift can replace this need. 

4. Follow the rules of parallelism in “not only X but also Y” construction. While the first word of X is provides (a verb), the first of Y is relief (a noun). This is incorrect.

To conclude, although gifts are imperative in on many occasions, I opine that personal attention and help are the most suitable way of showing love and care to the family members and friends.

 

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