Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Increased Demand For Oil And Gas.

With the increased global demand for oil and gas, undiscovered areas of the world should be opened up to access more resources. To what extent do you agree?

Answer:

The requirement (demand) of fossil fuels such as oil and gas has increased in the present (during the last few years). To cope up with this huge demand (1), many people (2) believe that new parts of the world should be explored. However, (Wrong use of however. Can you guess how?) I do not agree with this point of view as research should be done for alternative energy sources, and this process (which process? There is no clear antecedent.) is not environmentally friendly.

1. There is no need to write two sentences. The first sentence can be comfortably assimilated in the second sentence. This will also help you avoid searching for a synonym for demand. To cope with the rising demand for fossil fuels during the last few years, governments are planning to explore oil and natural gas in virgin forests and seashores. I disagree with it (refers to planning) as it destroys pristine nature and there are cheaper alternative and renewable sources of energy available to meet our energy requirements.

2. You’ve made an attempt to create a modifier “to cope …..”. But, the modifier does not modify ‘many people’. Governments, on the other hand, can cope up with this demand. That’s a dangling modifier. Also, belief can cope up with demand. ACTION can. Let us rewrite this sentence in point number 1 (above).

Accessing and digging up undiscovered areas of the earth to extract oil and natural gas is not a permanent solution of to today’s energy issue. (3) Instead of spending a large amount of money on these projects, funds should be allocated for the research and development of renewable energy sources such as solar, wind, and hydro. Moreover, burning of the fossil fuels generates numerous harmful gases, like carbon mono-oxide and nitrogen oxide, which cause an excessive air pollution. Therefore, more extraction of these fuels will not be an appreciable step. (4) The government of India, has recently allocated one hundred million INR for the exploration of deserts of Rajasthan to extract natural gas. Many science experts have criticized this initiative because half of this amount would have been sufficient to generate an equivalent quantity of solar energy. (Hold your horses! – 5)

3. Note here that you’ve NOT explained the idea and have jumped to the solution. How is extraction of oil and gas NOT a permanent solution? Explain it in one sentence, at least. Our planet has limited known reserves of these fuels and they are expected to last for not more than a decade while the demand for energy is endless.

4. There’s nothing wrong with this sentence. But, note that while you’ve failed to develop argument for the first idea and have written about 340 words, the meaning of your paragraph stays intact even without this sentence. It merely adds words without adding value. Just like fat in a human’s body.

5. The idea is about pollution. I can’t see pollution in the example.

Though you’ve done a nice job in LR, and GR, the TR is weak. The arguments are incomplete. This will severely hamper your score. 

Apart from this, the exploration of new areas will create an unbalance imbalance in the nature of surrounding regions as a lot of trees and vegetation will be cut to set up the project (Not a specific project. Right?). Oil extraction plant, for instance, requires at least two hundred acres of plain area. This means that more than a million trees need to be cut in its vicinity. This (Overuse of ‘this’) (6) will not only destroys the natural habitat of various wild animals as well as birds but also disturbs the ecosystem of that area. Therefore, it is a highly dangerous proposal for the earth climate. (An unnecessary statement.)

6. Let us build a stronger example and avoid the overuse of this. Note the use of which and thatA planned oil extraction plant in Jharkhand, for instance, needs more than two hundred acres, which will need cutting down of millions of trees and consequent demolition of the ecosystem that includes bords, wild animals, and insects.

To conclude, exploring new areas for the oil and gas extraction to meet the heavy demands of modern world is not a feasible method. Rather than this, promotion of the renewable energy sources will be more beneficial for the natural environment and future generation.

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