Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Ordinary People Copy Famous Ones.

Ordinary people try to copy famous people either by reading magazines or watching TV. Why do they do this? Do you think it is a good idea to copy famous people?

Answer;

Celebrities have become a major source of inspiration for many people around the world. Since people have developed a blind trust in them, so (Since X, Y construction seems better in this context.) they try to imitate them by reading magazine articles in magazines or watching television. In my view, it is because of the attractive marketing strategies of several companies (1) which result in many negative consequences. (Which negative consequences. It will be great if you mention a few.)

1. Here is a major problem. The second sentence of the introduction seems to suggest that BILID TRUST is the reason. The third sentence suggests that MARKETING is the reason. If you are planning to use both of them as reasons in your essay, write them in the same sentence. People try to imitate them either because of blind trust in them or because of attractive marketing techniques.

Many (You’ve used MANY multiple times. Avoid writing it where unnecessary.) large corporations are primarily driven by greed, so most of their advertisements feature famous people movie stars and sportspersons unethically promoting their products. Many people consider them as their ideal, so they strongly trust everything they recommend or do. (Whoa! There is a lot of confusion in this sentence. – 2) (IDOL, not IDEAL) However, people are totally unaware about of the truth behind the marketing gimmicks. For instance, a famous body-builder of India was seen as recommending recommended (why use passive voice. Unnecessarily wordy.) a coffee brand in a TV show. Most of the people into fitness started buying the coffee without knowing that he was promoting it for a brand fee and didn’t drink it himself. (The example is weak. – 3)

2. Discuss with me over phone. One pronoun family must refer to one noun only. While their in the previous sentence refers to corporations, them refers to celebrities, the former they refers to people, and the latter they refers to celebrities. That’s too much to take. You need to re-write the sentence.

3. An example is more specific than a general statement. In your example, name the coffee brand, the TV show, the specific impact on the audience. For instance, a famous Indian boxer recently recommended Nescafe coffee in an advertisement and the sale of the brand zoomed 100 percent in just one week. A survey of the buyers revealed that most of them did not know that the celebrity did not drink the coffee himself.

Evidently, It is evidently bad (injurious) for people to follow their ideals idols blindly. Since most of the celebrity appearance is for marketing and representational purposes only, their claims are factually wrong and misleading. For instance, a recent Bollywood fiction movie featured an over-weighted individual star actor who lost a hundred kilograms of weight in a single month. Many people got motivated by this and started following the same procedure. Eventually, several people ended up facing with muscle injuries due to the intense workout displayed in the movie. (These two sentences can be combined to create a complex sentence. This will make a deeper impact on GR score. Feeling motivated by the movie, (modifier) many people started following the intense workout shown in the movie which resulted in muscle injuries.)

To recapitulate, many unauthentic ads unethical advertisements and unrealistic movies (Need to work on LR to express the ideas accurately) featuring famous celebrities attract a huge number of people to follow it. (Follow what? ‘IT’ does not have a clear antecedent.) This can develop numerous misbeliefs in them leading to unfavorable situations.

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