Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Enjoyable Activity With A Child.

Doing an enjoyable activity with a child can develop better skills and imagination than reading. To what extent do you agree? Use reasons and specific examples to explain your answer.

Answer:

A child must acquire skills in his life to achieve success. Some people argue that these are better developed through a fun activity than just reading a collection of books. However, (wrong use of however. Discuss with me.) I disagree with the view, (1) and I believe that reading stimulates the creativity of a child and increases his focus and concentration in studies.

1. It is better to express two contrasting opinions in the same sentence using WHILE construction. “While X, Y”. Plus, why always bring “Some people” in your essay? Can you write without this? Note my sentence structure: While certain fun activities are useful in developing imagination, I think reading books not only stimulates his (refers to ‘a child’ in the first sentence) creativity but also increases the concentration power.

While activities such as watching movies present a scripted scene in front of a child, reading makes him imagine the scene characters, surroundings, and action by himself. (There is no need of writing by himself. That’s obvious.) It gives him the flexibility to use his imagination power to create the same picture in his mind, (This does not add any value. The meaning of this sentence is not clear. Writing absurd is injurious for TR and LR scores.) which increases the power of his mind to visualize vividly. (2) It develops the creativity of a child and aspires (wrong use of a word – “humans aspire”; things can’t aspire humans.) motivate/ encourage him to pursue an artistic career such as those of a Director, Comic writer in future. (Note that director and comic writer are not careers. They are jobs. A lot of LR issues.) In a podcast, Joss Whedon, the director of a blockbuster movie Avengers, shared that he was fond of reading superhero stories during his childhood, which is why he was able to imagine several distinct characters of the film.

2. Please understand the sequence to develop an argument. First sentence: character, surroundings, action. Second sentence: Elaborate on character, surroundings, and action. Can you think of a book that you have read? Let me share my ideas: Reading Ramayana, a mythological story of India, helps children understand the characters of Duryodhana, Arjuna, and Karana, and imagine the geography, military strategy and tactics during the epic war. The television serial on this book has conveniently avoided these details and its sole focus is to earn revenue.

In addition, the reading capability of a child is directly proportional to his focus. (Think again. This sentence is the reverse of what you want to communicate. Your idea is that reading stimulates focus. Not that focus increases reading power.: Also, the focus of a child is directly proportional to his reading capacity.) When a child engages himself (unnecessary pronoun. Deleting it does not make any impact on your sentence’s meaning.) in reading a book, he learns to avoid distractions around him since reading demands maximum attention to understand the story. (3) Thus, this ability helps a child This enables him (Why repeat ‘a child’? THUS seems unnecessary in this context.) to score well in the examination. A recent concentration test conducted on for the tenth-grade students of Army public school in Jalandhar to test their concentration (why repeat test) reveals that the students with the best results have the habit of reading an article per day in the Newspaper.

3. You can develop the argument better by elaborating attention and then shift to examination. This space has ample scope to develop arguments in a concrete manner. After writing this, you will not need to write an example. This will build both argument and example. Let me explain: Reading 50 pages of Bertrand Russel’s (any author – Arundhati Roy, Amitav Ghosh, Salman Rushdie, etc.) novel or poems of Robert Frost has a magical effect of building more than three hours of concentration power that proves useful in solving long mathematical equations and writing Physics assignments. Thus, …..

To recapitulate, although some people argue that fun activities can easily make a child learn the vital abilities (can’t MAKE someone LEARN) impart/ teach vital abilities to children, I think that reading is pivotal to grasp the necessary skills as it develops their (refers to ‘children’ written earlier) creativity inside a child. Along with it, it manifolds the along with enhancing their focus and the concentration of a child(Multiple repetitions – ‘a child’)

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