Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Search Internet For Solutions To Medical Problems.

Some people use the internet to search for solutions to their medical problems. Is it a positive or negative development? Give your own opinion and examples from your experience.

Answer:

Certain individuals often surf the World Wide Web (Discuss the concept of LR with me.) internet in order (Write with Brevity. Discuss.) to find remedies for their diseases and injuries. In my opinion, (This is not a part of the main sentence. It is an introducer.) it is a negative development because the internet is not a reliable resource source (1) and it also deteriorates the situation of the a patient. (2)

1. Understand the difference between source and resource. A source is something that PROVIDES us another thing. The internet provides information. It is a source. A resource is something that is PROVIDED and USEFUL. So, we can comfortably say: Land is a source of groundwater, a precious resource.

2. The right choice of words is necessary to score well in the exam. How can the internet “deteriorate” the situation of a patient? Your words seem to suggest that it DIRECTLY deteriorates the situation. It can’t. We can put this idea as: ….. and overreliance on its remedies may adversely impact patients.

To begin with, (3) numerous medical sites (Can you name a few?) such as Quora.com, which are available online, are not an authentic source. To elaborate, (Of course, you are elaborating. Why write it? Discuss.) a plethora of fake websites available on the internet, which provides ineffective solutions (= not an authentic source. You’ve already stated this in the first sentence. Please elaborate on WHY THESE ARE NOT AUTHENTIC?) with the aim to increase their viewers and earnings. (Their purpose is to increase customer engagement and viewership, and not provide expert, accurate medical advice. Usually, the patients or their family members offer their experiences on these portals and, rarely, a licensed medical professional is available.) Moreover, it is also not possible to practically examine the situation of the medical condition of a patient on the internet for medical problems a (Bad punctuation. Begin a new sentence. If you want to maintain the same sentence, use ‘AND’ – a conjunction to connect two ideas. Discuss.) . As a result, such sites cannot be trusted. For example, numerous online sites are being operated by college students, who have no knowledge about medical situations, providing and they provide unrealistic information about different diseases. (Bad connections between two ideas. Use a CONJUNCTION. Prefer ‘AND’.) (This is not an example. An example is more specific than a general statement. You’ve just written a general statement with ‘for example’. For example, from a patient with a cardiovascular disorder, a doctor needs numerous tests of heart, cholesterol, blood pressure, and diabetes along with a physical examination of chest and pulse. This requires the physical presence of both doctor and patient in the hospital and is not possible on the internet.)

3. You’ve already begin with the introduction. Don’t write “to begin with”, “to commence with”, etc.

Secondly, consulting the internet for the recovery of the a (You’ve made numerous article mistakes.) disease makes the problem worse. This is to say that, (No need to write this. Such clauses decrease your cohesion score. You’ve made this mistake in the BP 1 as well. Discuss.) not only the immune systems (it should be singular. Its never plural.) of humans are different, but also all of them respond differently towards the (unnecessary article. You’re not referring to a specific medication. Discuss.) medication therefore, . Therefore, each and every individual requires (every = singular; each = every. Tautology. Discuss.) separate attention however, (You’ve used too many cohesion devices and they have poor punctuation. Let us try to avoid them and create complex sentence structures. Try “Though X, Y”.) a uniform treatment is provided online to all the patients. (Though every individual’s medical condition is unique and it (refers to ‘medical condition’) requires separate attention, websites suggest the same treatment to all patients. For instance, a person with mild kidney ailment may recover by minor dietary changes, those with severe kidney damage may require dialysis. Only a medical practitioner can make a suitable suggestion after carefully examining the patient.) Furthermore, reading about the symptoms of the an illness from online resources makes the (are these specific individuals? I’m sure not.) individuals depressed as they psychologically start relating themselves to deadly diseases. For instance, even though there are numerous skin infections classified by dermatologists, similar treatment (can you be a bit more specific?) is recommended to all the patients suffering from skin diseases. (Let us write this example in a specific manner: For instance, many websites suggest ayurvedic creams as remedies for all skin infections and ignorant patients use them for problems ranging from pimples to algae and bacterial infections on the face.)

To conclude, the internet is not a dependable source of information for the treatment of medical issues as it provides inappropriate details about the disease. Moreover, it may further increase the problem. (Need to work on the conclusion. Discuss.)

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