Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Give Money To Homeless People.

Most societies have homeless people. Some people think that the best way to help them is to give them money. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Answer:

In this the contemporary (The word contemporary includes this. It refers to something happening now.) world, many poor people are not able unable to afford even a single room to live. While many individuals suggest that a lump sum amount of money (lump sum = an amount of money. This will count as a repetition.) should be provided to help them, I think that providing shelter and skill development classes would be much more beneficial than helping them financially(You’ve already mentioned the financial aspects in the previous part of the sentence. MORE is already comparing the latter part with the former part of the sentence.)

There are a few serious LR issues in the introduction.

Many people living on the streets are not only prone to deadly diseases such as fungal infection and dengue but also exposed to unexpected rain, fierce storms, and cold nights. Thus, they are not able to engage themselves (Unnecessary word. It is implicit.) in any productive task to earn money as most of their time and energy is spent in tackling these problematic situations. (1) Thus, a roof above him (Wrong pronoun. Your subejct is most people living on the streets. See the first sentence.) and walls around him a permanent shelter can prevent them from fatal diseases and environmental changes, and, thus, (This is the only conclusion of your idea.) encourage them to work with boundless energy and enthusiasm.

1. Avoid the use of thus in the second sentence. Though the second sentence (B) is a result of the first (A), your purpose is solved in the third sentence (C). A + B = C.

Though the paragraph is well-written and it is a massive improvement over the previous attempts, it seems weak in structure due to wrong use of thus.

Additionally, free skill development courses should be provided to poverty-stricken adults as it will make (You can’t FORCE them) them acquire the necessary skill to earn money. (2) While limited cash can help a person only for a few days, the skill learned and knowledge gained will skills and knowledge are (wrong tense. use the present tense only.) be long-lasting. It These (Refer to skills and knowledge in the previous sentence.) can help him to get a decent job and earn a regular income for a lifetime. For instance, I sponsored a gardening course for a person living under a tree near my house in Chandigarh. The man learned the use of hand trowel, rake, and other gardening tools pretty well and got a job in the very famous Rose garden of Chandigarh. The earning from the job enabled him to rent a beautiful apartment near the garden. (The example is well-written.)

2. This sentence is too wordy due to the use of passive voice. Also, the use of make is incorrect. Let us re-write – replace 23 words with just 16.: Additionally, providing them free skill development courses (a noun phrase) will impart the tools necessary to earn livelihood independently. THEM = Many people living on the streets (in the previous paragraph).

To recapitulate, donating cash to homeless people will not solve the core purpose of helping them out. I believe that people should provide them shelter (A pronoun is better than searching for synonyms.) to the vagrant people and fund their educational classes education to let them sustain a minimum standard of living.

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