Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Olympics Games Have No Role In 21st Century.

Some people believe that the Olympic Games do not have a role in the 21st century. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include an example from your experience.

Answer:

A few individuals think that the Olympics Games does do (subject-verb disagreement) not have any use (do not have any purpose in the current century) in the current time period. (time = period. This creates a tautology.) (LR issue. The 21st century is not the same as the current time. Discuss.) I completely agree with the statement that other works are more important in recent world (LR issue. What is recent world? It is not the same as the 21st century.) and will present my views in the following paragraphs. (Of course, you will. That’s obvious. Do not state this. Rather, use this space to MENTION the ideas you plan to explain in the body paragraphs.)

There is a perception that the Olympics do not have any purpose in the 21st century. I agree with this statement as there are alternate methods of enjoyment (reason 1) and these games are very expensive (reason 2).

The first major reason is generation of revenue (1) by modern plays. To elaborate, (Avoid writing this. Discuss.) in the current scenario people are more into earning abundant liquidity (1) and, in order to do it, they invest currency (1) into popular sports such as cricket, boxing, and football. Because of this individuals are adding up funds (1), which for sure outdated Olympiad Olympic events is are not bringing. Pepsi company, for example, invested shares (1) in cricket. With the booming popularity of eleven player game, this organization holds the best position in terms of economy (1) internationally. (This example does not explain the idea completely.) (2 – Discuss.)

1. Notice that you’ve tried to use three different words to refer to money and, in this process, you’ve lost the meaning of the sentences. Revenue is not the same as liquidity, currency, funds, shares. All these words have different meanings. This will cost you dearly in the LR part. While the Olympics was a significant source of earning for businesses in the past, players, and governments, the current century has witnessed more lucrative opportunities in cricket, football, and boxing.

2. For example, the 2016 Olympics cost the Brazilian economy more than a billion dollars and it ended in an economic loss. On the other hand, the Indian Premier League, a series of cricket matches, earned a profit of more than 500 million dollars for the investors.

In addition, the entertainment value is the second chief cause (This word does not gel here.) that masses are looking for in modernized globe, (What is the role of “modernised globe” in “entertainment value”? Bad choice of words.) on watching obsolete Olympics most of the watchers feel bored. (Moreover, the games in the Olympics are not a source of entertainment for the masses. Though they are a great source to attain knowledge, they are unable to grasp the public’s attention.) To justify, (Justify what? Don’t push a cohesive device unnecessarily.) although viewers get to (unnecessary words) attain knowledge about different sporting events from athletic contests, it (you need a pronoun to refer to plural subject) does not grab their attention for long. My friends, for illustration, watches (subject-verb disagreement) it (You need a plural pronoun to refer to athletic contests.) (Change the subject of this sentence if there is any conflict with the pronoun.) on television just to get ideas about various player records whereas for joyful moments they see trendy shows such as dancing, singing, and cooking.

In conclusion, Olympian Olympic tournaments are no doubt extremely crucial (poor sentence structure.) although taking into consideration about demanding life the rising financial needs of people in this era in accordance to financial prospects and source of fun these two factors are more essential as they provide a sense of fulfillment to not only youth but to business owners also. (This is poor sentence construction. It is too long with little regard for subject-verb-object structure. Note the structure: Although the Olympics are bringing nations together on a common platform, they are unable to satisfy the financial and entertainment needs to the people.)

In the above sentence:

1. Although X, Y construction.

2. Within X: The Olympics (subject) are (aux verb) bringing (main verb) nations together (Object) on a common platform (Object).

3. Within Y: they (subject) are (verb) unable to satisfy (verb clause) the financial (object) and (conjunction) entertainment needs (object) of the people (object).

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