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IELTS Essay Correction: Sponsor Sports For Advertisement.

Some companies sponsor sports as a way to advertise themselves. Some people think that it is good, while others think there are disadvantages to this. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

Answer:

In this competitive world, (This is an introductory phrase. Put a comma after it.) (1) marketing is considered (6) as a backbone of businesses (a business). It not only increases the growth but also maintains (parallelism mistake. Please read the Rules of Parallelismthe sustainability of companies. (2) While one school of thought avers that, (wrong punctuation) sponsoring an event is the best mean method of advertisement, others do not concur with the statement.

1. Introducers are phrases that set tone of a sentence. They are not a part of the main sentence. But, they are necessary. For example: In my opinion, this is a negative development. As you know, India lacks health infrastructure to fight Covid-19. Fortunately, we can solve the problem.

2. You’ve used a lot of words to express an idea. One, the first two sentences can be combined to write a better sentence. Second, you should spend more words on WHY sponsorship is the best form of marketing. You’ve not done that in the introduction. MENTION the reasons in the introduction and EXPLAIN them in the body paragraphs. Note the use of introducer, modifier and main sentence. 

In this competitive world, marketing, which is considered as the backbone of all businesses, is central for the growth and sustainability of companies.

At the outset, sponsoring an event (Is this a sports event?) brings business in the limelight by exploring exposing it in front of a global audience. This creates awareness among people regarding the newly launched brands. (You’ve not developed the idea completely. “Sports event” missing. How does it create awareness? Multiple TR issues. Bring some EXPLANATION. – 3. Note the logical development of ideas and specificity of the response below.) Furthermore, a sponsor can get an opportunity to meet with (is this an audience in a sports event? TR issue.) target audience and approach them in one place. They (4) also get details such as email, mobile number of attendees from event organizers for further mail and sms advertisements. (5) Moreover, this process increases the sale on the spot. (You’ve not explained the first idea in sufficient detail. Why raise a fresh idea? Focus on two ideas at max.) For example, a restaurant sponsors local music and set up a booth to feed hungry fans is an easy way to make a bulk purchase of their products at on the same day.

3. Sponsoring a sports event is a sure way of exposing a brand to an excited and motivated group of people. Research shows that while television, radio, and internet audiences are mostly passive in nature, sports fans are active adopters of new products. Showing Coca Cola brand of T-shirt of Sachin Tendulkar and Messi has a greater impact on audiences than telecasting a 30 seconds advertisement.

4. One pronoun family can refer to one noun only. In the previous sentence, them refers to target audience. In this sentence, they refers to sponsor. Not only is there a subject-pronoun disagreement, but also pronoun reference is incorrect.

5. Let us rewrite for greater efficiency using a CAUSE-EFFECT relationship. I can see that the former sentence (target audience at one place) is a CAUSE, the latter sentence is the EFFECT. Let us use “Since X, Y” construction. “Since these events (refers to sports events in the first sentence of the paragraph) provide companies an opportunity to meet the target audience in one place, the collection of names, email addresses, mobile numbers is very easy for them (refers to companies). This data is also used to push sales after the event.”

On the other hand, for sponsoring an event, a (missing punctuation) huge investment is required (6) for multiple purposes such as hiring a special team for to interact (7) with masses, printing and installing proper banner. (8) After this, the specific ratio (What special ratio? Does not make sense. Loss of logic. You will lose bands for coherence and TR.) of it add to product price which become double than the actual one. (How double? Make it clear.) Finally, it is pay paid (6) by the consumers. (The argument could have been better developed with an example.) Last but not the least, (9) any misconduct in an event also has an adverse effect on sponsors. To illustrate, suppose a company (Can you name a company?) sponsors a sports player and, intentionally, he took takes (the previous part of your sentence is in the present tense – sponsors. Maintain the same tense. Otherwise, you will lose GR bands.) performance-enhancing drugs. When it is confirmed, not only the player faces the consequences but it also deteriorates the image of the company in the market.

6. In passive voice, the second form of a verb is required. You’ve made this mistake thrice – once in the introduction and twice in. BP 2. This raises a red flag.

7. When useing verbs, note that you HAVE to use the –ing form with FOR. “for interacting“.

8. Build parallelism in Such as X, Y. The first word of X is hire (a verb), and that of Y is proper (an adjective). This is wrong. Note that I’ve replaced them with “ing” forms of verbs.

On the other hand, sponsoring an event requires tremendous resources to hire teams to interact with the audience (not masses) and printing and installing banners. Since this cost has to be added to the final price of the product, the consumers have to bear an additional burden. For instance, while to value of a bottle of Pepsi is only rupees 3, the Indian consumers have to pay 10 rupees for the advertisement of the product.

9. Remember the constructions: On the other hand; Last but not least.

To conclude, although, (There is no comma after although in “although X, Y” construction) sponsoring an event has a risk of money wastage, it renowned makes the product famous all over the world. Therefore, (need punctuation here) companies should do proper planning before using this method.

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