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IELTS Essay Correction: Multinational Companies Common In Developing Countries.

Multinational companies are becoming increasingly common in developing countries. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this?

Answer:

This It (When you want to write a statement that does not include a particular person or event, use ‘IT’.) has become so common that multinational organizations are rapidly setting up their base in developing countries. The foremost advantage of this development is that (It is obvious that creates employment = advantage. This is an implicit form of writing. You need not state this explicitly. Necessary to score 8 or above.) it creates employment opportunities in the host country, and (AND is not the perfect device to express the contrast between advantages and disadvantages.) the massive use of natural resources of the host county (repetition – host country) by these companies making them depleting (weird construction) is the biggest disadvantage.

(To express contrast, use while or though construction. Though this creates attractive employment opportunities in the host countries, they (= host countries), unfortunately, (interruptor) experience a depletion of natural resources at a rapid pace.)

On the one hand, transnational corporations provide greater attractive career options in economically developing countries. (1) These companies not only give employment (Same as career options in the previous sentence.) to the youth of emergent nations but they also (2) organize several professional trainings related to their product to make a strong base of their employees. (Which trainings? How do they develop a strong base. – 2) These opportunities fascinate young people because they can earn and learn together without spending extra funds. (3.) In India, for example, many youngsters have to quit their studies to support their families, and these mnc’s are boon for them as they can easily start their careers with handsome packages without a professional degree. (This is NOT an example. It is a general statement with a name sprinkle on it.) (For example, since the opening of the Indian economy in 1991, more than 1000 foreign companies have set up shops and offices and this has not only reduced unemployment to the lowest levels but also increased local incomes by 100 percent.)

1. You’ve already stated this in the introduction. Once you’ve MENTIONED an idea in the introduction, you should EXPLAIN it in the Body Paragraphs. The first step towards explaining is to OPEN UP the idea with specific words: On the one hand, when transnational companies set up plants and offices in countries like India, Vietnam and Kenya, (= economically developing countries) they create millions of blue and white-collar jobs (= attractive career options) for the local people.

2. Violation of the rules of parallelism. The first word of X (give) should be parallel to the first word of Y (organize). Also, ‘these companies’ is common for both X and Y. There is no need of writing ‘they also’ in Y. Since your idea is not specific, let me make an attempt in making it more concrete. I’ve already elaborated on employment in point 1. Companies such as Coca Cola, McKinsey, Proctor, and Gamble organize management training and shop floor training for them so that they (‘local people’ in the previous sentence) can learn and implement global best practices.

3. Your idea, as stated in the introduction and the first sentence of BP 1, is about employment opportunities. Where is the role of extra funds? This is wrong. A meaningless sentence. Focus on explaining employment opportunities in a concrete manner.

On the other hand, these organizations are using planet natural (LR issue) resources of emergent nations at an alarming rate, which is the biggest drawback. (4) In order to run their businesses, multinational companies they (refers to these organisations in the previous sentence.) also (unnecessary use of also) require resources such as land and water, ; however, (There is no use of however here. This is wrong.) they are using them on a large scale (In order to run their businesses, they need land and water at a large scale and …..) and, due to that, home poor/ developing countries are facing the a scarcity of resources. For instance, in Kerala, a state in south of India, soft-drink company Coca-cola has set-up their factory and the company uses an ample amount of water to run their business. Due to this, local residents and farmers are facing serious health-related issues (such as?) because the level of groundwater has become extremely low.

4. The first sentence of BP 2 suffers from the same issue as the first sentence of the BP 1. It is too similar to the IDEA mentioned in the introduction. Let me make it different without losing the sense by using a few concrete words. On the other hand, these organizations are depleting underground water, eroding natural soil, emitting greenhouse gases, consuming forests, and extracting minerals at an alarming rate. (Now, pick any two – say, water and forests – and explain them in detail.)

In conclusion, the job opportunities provided by multinational companies are the biggest advantage but excessive use of natural resources is causing depletion is the disadvantage of this. (Strange sentence construction due to the manner in which you’ve used advantage and disadvantage. Reconstruction: In conclusion, while the MNCs have eradicated unemployment and lifted millions of people out of poverty, they are consuming natural resources at an unsustainable place. Governments, in collaboration with these companies, should search for ways to balance economic development with environmental sustainability.(See voice notes.)

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