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IELTS Essay Correction: Teenagers Should Concentrate On School Subjects.

Some people believe that teenagers should concentrate on all school subjects. But, others believe that teenagers should focus on the subject that they are good at or that they find the most interesting. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Answer:

Many individuals think that students should study all subjects of their (1) curriculum as it they (use a pronoun to refer to all subjectsbroadens their horizons and helps them to achieve excellent academic grades. However, others think that they should concentrate on their favorite subjects for the sake of deep knowledge in single a domain area, and clarity to (2) choose their a strong and lucrative career. I agree with the (you are referring to a specific view.) former view.

1. Avoid writing their in this context. It not only is unnecessary but also creates confusion if you use a plural pronoun for all subjects. Alternately, if you want to use they and their to refer to students, you will have to change the first sentence’s structure: Many individuals think that studying all subjects broaden students’ horizons and help them achieve excellent academic grades.

2. Parallelism violation – for is parallel to to. ….favourite subjects for the sake …. and to choose ….

In this competitive world, it is mandatory to have a satisfactory academic record to expand career options. In order t To secure admission in prestigious institutes, a student should have excellent grades in all subjects ranging from arts to science. For example, the minimum percentage to appear for the admission counselling in IIT Delhi has increased from eighty-five percent to ninety percent during the last two years. To achieve such commendable grades, the students are required to do immense efforts in all academic areas. (= should have excellent grades in all subjects – second sentence. Repetition. This space should be dedicated to comparison with scoring well in a few subjects.) Scoring a hundred percent in mathematics and science while performing poorly in languages and arts hampers the chances of admission. Moreover, concentration on all school subjects broadens the horizons of teenagers. They become aware of different fields such as science, history, and geography. The basic knowledge about these areas helps youngsters to achieve success (how? What do you mean by success? Be more specific.) in their life. A student who focuses only on mathematics not only fails in communicating his ideas but also may suffer from diseases due to a lack of focus on language and physical education.

On the other hand, I believe (Whoa! In the introduction, you support the former view. Please check. This is a serious flaw.) that instead of distributing focus on all subjects, teenagers should follow their passion field (unnecessary word) because it is hard to acquire the a deep understanding of all subjects (topics/ domains). Therefore, to be an expert one should study and practice the area that he finds most interesting. It is easy to get his dream job in high profile IT companies such as Google, Infosys and HP, if he has the prior knowledge of computer programming and hardware. (Does this happen only by sacrificing other subjects?) (You’ve used too many words to communicate this idea. 3 sentences.) (3) This is only possible if he has strong logic building abilities, and to acquire this an arduous practice is required. Additionally, it enhances the clarity to choose a profession, if students have the freedom to choose (the X to Y) their interest area. There are umpteen successful personalities in our society who got the privilege to follow (the X to Y) their passion in at an early age (connect like with the word it exemplifies – personalities.like famous crickter Sachin Tendulkar, the famous cricketer, and Facebook owner Mark Zuckerberg. If they had diverted their mind to different fields learned all subjects, they would not have been achieved such success and popularity. (5)

3. A student interested in building a career in technology companies such as Google and HP should, for instance, develop computer language skills instead of learning history and mathematics which are not valued in these companies.

4. The example can be better constructed. There is no need of writing “There are umpteen ……. like.” Directly begin with Sachin and explain his choice. Sachin Tendulkar, for instance, started following cricket at the age of 11 and abandoned regular school. Similarly, Steve Jobs began his love for semiconductors at the age of five and he never scored well in languages and sciences.

To conclude, although students should be all-rounder to enhance their general awareness, I think they should focus to study on studying the subjects of their choice to gain expertise in specific areas.

The essay is too long – 364 words. 

2 replies »

  1. Excellent strategy of corrections.Can I send you my ielts essays for correction?I am preparing for general training.

    Like

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